Friday, June 14, 2013

Just about done . . .

Well, the more I think on it, the more I think I am just about done traveling transgendered. For the last year or so I’ve been growing increasingly unhappy about it all. It’s more than just my vanity and my unhappiness at growing old and wrinkled too, it’s more about the way that I feel, or don’t feel, while traveling these days. It used to be that I would grin like an idiot for the entire day that I was traveling, feeling absolutely thrilled to be spending a day out in the world as a woman. 
I felt pretty.
I felt happy . . . 

For at least the last three or four trips though, I’ve felt like absolutely nothing more than an old man wearing a dress. I’m not using that as a figure of speech either – I mean it quite literally; I have felt like nothing more or less than a man wearing a dress. 
For me there is no joy in that, there is no feeling of wonder in it . . .

Even were I not feeling this way about myself, I suspect that I will stop writing my blog soon, because let’s face it – how many ways can I tell essentially the same story over and over before I get tired of writing it and you get tired of reading it? In the early days, everything was new and exciting. People were not so used to seeing people like me, and so there was much to write about and many fun things that happened. These days I’ve pretty much seen it all, and most of the people that I interact with have come to know me, and so very few things occur that are worth writing about.
So I’m not quite calling it quits just yet, but it is coming soon my friends. . .

Oh – here is a pic of an old dude who flew to Detroit this week in a skirt:

Nothing interesting happened.
No one said anything in the least bit amusing to me, and I said nothing of interest myself.  It was just a dude who wore a skirt while traveling to Detroit. . .


  1. I stopped dressing in the last year as I feel the exact same way. The thrill died.. I am sure I will get a spark again but one day I looked in the mirror and thoug " ugly guy dressing like a chick" and it made me want to quit...
    You are hot though! I'd love to hang out but too far away.. but thanks for sharing this. I can sooo relate..

  2. Kim, you are a beautiful woman.

    Does it matter if nothing happens?

    GID isn't curable. How will you express yourself?

  3. I understand the feeling very well. A friend of mine told me that one day I would feel the same way dressed or not. I didn't understood it at first but it did happen. When it did the reasons for dressing started to go away. Pretty soon I had done many of the items on the bucket list and then what. I guess at some point when you travel as far as we have. You traveled further than I have but I still did plenty. You get to the point where you either go full time or you end up asking yourself why are doing it. I asked and I couldn't come up with a great reason. So I backed off and the desire went away.

    I still know that it can back, but it hasn't yet. If you do leave, I will miss reading about some of your adventures. Maybe it is time for you to spend with your kids and create some new types of adventures with them. Good luck to you with whatever decision you do make.

    Michelle Tayloe

  4. Kim -

    I'd love to keep in touch with you, regardless of whether you are dressing or not..... You've been an inspiration, and yet, I've always felt that there was much, much more to you than you ever posted in the blog. (And if you'd like to keep in contact, I'd be more than happy to do so in my other presentation....)

    With that being said, I understand how you can feel that way - once it no longer makes you feel special, then why do it? I'll miss your blog entries. You've had some great adventures, experiences that gave you a greater insight into the nature of humanity than most of us are privy to. And you shared them with us, people who experienced them vicariously.

    But I have to ask - it is the feeling of being an old man in a dress? Or something more subtle - you have sorted out some important issues in your life, and the dressing no longer is needed to express a part of your nature?


  5. wall. I know those walls, I have hit so many. Take time and figure out how high this one is and if you want to get over it

    First, you look wonderful. I do not see the old man you are talking about. You are and have always been one of my heroines. You are beautiful, and smart and you have been an inspiration to so many (some I am sure you don't even know...BTW we never met, why is that?). Maybe it is just the travel getting to you? And the home front.

    I kind of know your position on the spectrum and .I am sure you will do what is right for you. You may never return to us but I suspect you will always be with us no matter what. Take a break...did you ever finish the pool project?...lets just call it a sabbatical for now. You are not JUST about traveling, there is so much more about you that you can tell.

    I will be right here for you. I am also eagerly awaiting Michelle's return. They say you can't quit and usually that is so but you can if you really want to I have made a new road so I will continue. I don't see you stopping totally (if you do there is going to be a huge rush on teh local Goodwill) but take a break.

    If not, know you are loved. Know you helped many people. Know you will be missed. Good luck my friend (whom I have never met).


  6. Clothes are clothes and I can well understand that after a time the thrill of cross gender presenting does decrease. For some the need to carry on is innate and the discomfort from presenting as the other becomes too hard to take. I am guessing that you are somewhere in the middle ..... I may be wrong but what I would say is that I doubt that you will be able to fully give it up and I also don't see a guy in a dress.


  7. It is interesting that a lot of CD'ers will all swear that they will continue to dress as a woman, because they are women. After awhile as in the music "The Thrill is Gone" being dressed soon becomes a drag (no pun intended), with the constant need to put on makeup, adjust your wig, make sure your foundation garments are on, and your shoes, and accessories all match up. But as we all know for many of us who are Transgenderd and have gone on past the simple dressing and have gone all the way to being a woman, with surgery, this becomes a normal part of life, where we don't always wear dresses; but wear clothes that are comfortable, maybe put on a small smidgen of makeup, maybe no lipstick or we put it on. Our hair is a mess, and we go through life as women who know that being a woman is not all glamour, dresses, the finest suits or whatever...

    1. That is the point where you really get to know yourself and the reasons for dressing in the first place. At some point you either finish the journey or you reach the end of the thrill.

  8. Cam is spot on. Being a woman isn't wearing a dress/skirt every day. Some days it's just a pair of jean and a tee shirt. Granted, I have gone the next step and started on the journey of transition and if I were to dress as a man, no one would see me as a man. Maybe, you are at this juncture as well and need to decide. GID will always be with you and though you may be able to suppress it for a bit it will come back. We have read about your home life and all the things you have going on. May need to sit back and look at the big picture and where you fall in to things. Maybe readjust things and see where that path heads.

    You say the thrill is gone. Maybe it's just that you are a normal woman in society and no one sees you any different. Wasn't that the initial goal? To be accepted as a normal woman and not be noticed as a man in a dress? Well maybe that is the case and the thrill of being caught no longer exists.

    I wish yu the best in what ever you decide.


  9. Kim, I'm going to go out on a limb here. I was always one to look at the cause and effect side of things so here goes. Your at an age where testosterone drops. (I was 52) When mine dropped, I went the other direction and went full time. Testosterone plays a big part in why some (not all) cross dressers dress. My limb sitting is telling me yours is low. .....JUST A THOUGHT!!! ...Please disregard if my limb breaks!

  10. One day, it is just about normal to travel in the gender you feel home with ...and then you can say you have been one of the pioneers. For me I have also been travelling as a woman since about 30 years it is what you said sometimes in your many posts: It is getting pretty normal and nothing out of the ordinary. But if you travel in male attire it is even more boring. Please keep your great blogging, may be even considering new adventures, but this piece of craziness keeps all of us (including bio-females) young.
    I also respectfully acknowledge the tremendous amount of work you do by posting your blogs, which I try to do now as well from time to time. My ambition is not to do it just for myself as a memory book, but also to show my dear TG friends that it is safe & rewarding to live your feelings and also to any other non-TG people to experience the joy living our little innocent female adventures in order path the way for more acceptance.

  11. You have to do what you have to do. Just be true to yourself - do it because you think it's what needs doing, not because of the effect it has on others or how much you can tell others about it. (yikes, did that sentence make sense?) Anyway, just be who you are and let the chips fall where they may.

  12. Kim...My child has recently come out to me as a transgender person, wishing to make a full transition to being a woman. When I started reading as much as I could about this (to able to be fully supportive), I came across your blog and have read back just about every post back to the beginning. Your blog has been so full of hope for me. First, I have found your pictures beautiful. But, even more, it has helped me to know that there are people out there who can be accepting and kind- that this world my child is a part of doesn't have to be only full of fear and darkness. Of course, part of that has been your amazing spirit; you've been gracious (and brave) to people who take a second look and chuckle or goof in their language or try too hard and are borderline rude. You've shown us that, ultimately, the only person we can change is ourself, but in doing so, we can so greatly impact the others around us. You have been a good will ambassador, opening so many people's eyes. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you have done that will be pave the way for those coming after. If you continue to write, I will continue to read - and that is saying a lot for me. I only follow two blogs (one of which is yours).

    You and I are the same age - and entering a time when we look back and forward at the same time. We aren't as attractive as we once were. Im pretty sure I'm not as smart as I used to be. Who are we and what can we still be of meaning? I think that these are natural questions, particularly when we are worried about job security, etc. I have seen these questions dogging your posts more recently and I appreciate your authenticity in sharing them. I pray that you find your meaning and whatever it is that makes your eyes shine again. Blessings to you and those that walk this journey with you.

    1. Awe "Anonymous", you just made my eyes water at work. Shame on you . . . ;)

  13. Well there are so many things I want to say to you in response to this, first, if that's an old dude in a skirt then the camera does lie! I can understand that the need to dress ebbs and flows, at different times in our lives we find different needs and different ways to satisfy those needs, but it is not the dress or the travel that makes us read your blog it is you. You are much more than just a dude in a dress on a plane. You are a complete person and it is that person who interests, amuses, and frustrates us. we want to share with you the joys and frustrations of running a classic car, bringing up children building a pool etc. etc.
    If you can find it in you please keep up the blog, set yourself the target to make an entry each week, whether it is a bout travelling dressed or fixing your car, or just something that happened at work, and I think you will find the experience rewarding, we certainly will.

  14. Kim,
    Interestingly, I am going through something similar to you. I thought that it was one of two things: my entering the retirement decade (for the US) in age or a reassesment of who I am. The former is obvious and as someone has already pointed out, as T decreases the urge to dress also decrease (at least for some.) I know several other CDs who, when put on T their urge to dress came back with a vengence.
    The other thing that happened just before I felt the strong drive to dress dimished, I was talking to a sister and she used the term "bi-gendered" to describe me. (I had heard it before but it never meant anything to me.) The term hit home to me as it describes me much better than "crossdresser" which is something I do, and not who I am. As it settled in, I went further down the road of acceptance, which I thought I had traveled most of the way already. So, while I went out dressed to validate my femme side, this new view of myself seems to need less validation. Hence, the need to dress and go out would be lower.
    I can't say which reason it might be until I get my yearly physical and see if my T has dropped. If it has, then the choice for treatment will have a few variables most men don't have to consider.
    Good luck. Do what you need to do for yourself. Let us know what is going on as you continue your journey.

  15. Jump in your car and travel. It's a great car and now it looks like the reliability thing is fixed, who knows what may happen on the open roads... to such a pretty lady

  16. Kim,
    Let me add my comments and best wishes to those noted above. You have a lot of friends, fans and supporters. Many of us see you as a trailblazer and we all know that sometimes as we age it is harder to get up in the saddle again.

    In my younger days I would use every excuse to dress. While I never flew pretty I was always underdressed and always brought an assortment of clothes, shoes and makeupn and would use amy hotel time to dress and venture out when I felt safe. Now that I have the freedom to dress and get out with more frequency the urgency is not as demanding.

    While your blog has been primarily devoted to your travels you are a wise person and a good writer. I am sure that many of your readers would be pleased to get your views on many subjects, especially those that relate to cross-dressing.

    Best of luck in anything that you choose to pursue.

  17. Hi Kim,
    I have done that & always go back to dressing.
    I think you have to talk things over with your wife.
    I always felel better when I know where she stands on my dressing.
    You make a great looking woman& your clothesare beautiful.

  18. if that is a photo of an "old dude in a skirt" then you certainly have most of us fooled!
    now you know the draw to dressing NEVER fully goes away. in fact if repressed it usually comes back with a vengeance.
    i think stress can play havoc with our hormones. i think science is only beginning to FULLY understand how this plays into our daily lives. it is amazing to me that a little "tweak" one way or the other can change our mood or even our body's shape ect.
    you have been through a tendentious amount of stress with our harsh economic times. just the worry about keeping your job and as my neighbor who is a psychotherapist says he is never happy with how much that job controls our whole economic ability to exist.

    of course in the old yahoo 360 days we'd all come home and log in our days events. as times went on and although the computer has become more portable it has become harder to allow the time to both go out in the world dressed AND write a log about it. it seems i have less time to do both and many times i do one or the other but more of logging means less of diana out in the real world... and visa versa is true as well more in the world leaves less time for logging. *sigh*

    although i probably need to "get a life" but i really do look forward to reading your blog. even when you write about the mustang or your family, it's still of interest. basically i think it has a lot to do with your writing style. as hard as i try i can't seem to log entries in as interesting a writing style as you do. you just have "the gift" to put it all down on "paper".
    i would really miss that if you gave up logging in entries.

    please keep in touch if you stop blogging as i believe you have my reg e mail address.

    many good wishes in your road of life. especially on "the road less traveled"

  19. OK, I'll add my 2 cents.
    I think many of us have been inspired by you and your adventures. And I think you've been great to share your thoughts and adventures.
    But hey ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Personally I dress because frankly to me wearing female clothes just seems natural. When I'm dressed in drab I feel out of place.
    As someone who traveled for many years all over the US, Mexico and Cananda for work it just happened one day. I got up and said this is enough it's not fun anymore and I'm done. And honestly I hate flying these days the planes suck, the airports suck, the frequent flyer mile programs suck it's just not fun and certainly not an adventure. But boy do I love shopping for female clothing and oh how I love wearing my new finds.
    I really do wish you luck in whatever way your journey takes you and please know you've been a real help to many girls.



  20. I admire the honesty of your statement. But then, we have come to expect uncompromising forthrightness from you. And the humor and irony and stubbornness and pluck and good writing style.

    As I grow older, I too feel less excitment in dressing. And I have had far fewer adventures and accomplishments out in the real world than you have had. But I still get a subtle feminine spark from the little things: the sensation of wearing sheer nylons, the caress of my slip and skirt on my legs, walking in high heels, even though they now become painful much sooner, the buzz that still makes me tremble a little when applying my lipstick, primping my hair, adding a favorite fragrance...

    I think these are the secret delights that most genetic women value, that help define them as women, and that they wouldn't consider living without. I am wired that way, and almost certainly you are, too. These womanly instincts will never leave us.

    If you step back from Kimberly in public, especially the hassle of air travel (in male mode I find air travel increasingly to be a major hassle and a headache), I'm sure you will find a comfort zone closer to home. You are blessed with a remarkably supportive family. Kimberly will live on and always be pretty.

  21. For a blog twist, how about finding a travel companion, you know, something that will make people talk. Like, maybe, travel with a two year old that constantly screams "Help, I've been kidnapped!" Or travel with another Transgender who pretends to be plastered at all times. Or pull the race card - you know, race another travel partner to the gate in ridiculously high heels. Or travel with a foul-Mouthed drag queen. All fun, and definitely blog-worthy.

    1. Yeah, that might make for good Blog material, but I'm guessing that it wouldn't do a whole lot of good as for representing our community! lol

  22. Hi Kim

    I always enjoy reading your adventures. Good stories well written (and illustrated!) giving insights. Yep we Aussies are a good bunch. If you ever make it here put Canberra on your list!!

    I've found the same as you flying, people seem especially friendly. But not just flying - shopping, car rentals, and more. Do you have a femme voice? Mine is a dead give away if they haven't already worked out that I'm a man in a skirt.

    I read your concerns on seeing yourself as an old man in a skirt and stopping dressing. That's real sad Kimberly ... 'old'? I'd swap ages with you birth certificate unseen. That would stop my big mistake with my second wife too.

    Here's the thing though. Recognising that I am a man in a skirt (and makeup, wig, the works) is empowering although I prefer to pass. Being comfortable being seen as male takes away the fear of being picked and being happy to strike up conversations with a male voice reduces the loneliness of CDing by making friends.

    Until I put my wig on, the male me looks in the mirror and has the same 'old man in a skirt' thoughts as you are now. Once the wig is on the transformation is complete and the female takes over the thought process. Thank god - males can be so logical and boring!

    So Kimberly, don't worry about ageing - it happens. Don't worry about being a man in a skirt. If you are you are (but you must photoshop your photos - you are stunning). You never know what lies ahead so do what you can when you can.

    Have you flown in a steel boned corset? There's your next challenge. Your sequeened skirt was just a warm up for the TSA. But that's another way of conversing with females.

    Michelle (Oz)

  23. Do not quit Kim. You're going through a dry spell and it probably can't help that your knowing, tolerating but not fully embracing wife does not allow Kim to fluorish under other scenarios. In the end we are who we are and that will never change so I suspect after this feeling subsides you will be back travelling again and sharing something of yourself with the rest of us...


    1. Hey now, let's be fair about my wife. She doesn't exactly like this part of me and sure isn't thrilled about it. Give her her preference and she would probably rather have a "regular" husband. Now having said that, I still think that she has done better than most wives when it comes to dealing with this. I do not in the least blame any of my current dissatisfaction on her.

    2. No worries Joanna, you didn't offend me or anything. I just figure that I heap enough stuff on the poor woman without letting her take a bum rap where I don't really think she deserves it. LOL

  24. Get over this spell Kim Your not an old man in a skirt! Your a woman traveling better dressed then any other person there!

  25. Theres a joke about walking into a room of overdressed and made up t girls and finding out who the real transgender person is. Its the one in a t shirt and cutoffs sitting at the table.
    Isn't the greatest joke but illustrates no matter what we do or see ourselves as , we will always be the same person underneath. I also have greatly enjoyed your blogs, I thank you for those, you might be just coming to the end of a chapter in your lifes book. On to the next, unknowing what lies ahead, you will be blessed with fun and your great outlook ahead. Ones with a sense of humor are automatically 79% happier and healthier people, so you are in. Enjoy the road ahead wherever it takes you, and always remember your readers had a smile and a comforting feeling when finishing your blog.