Saturday, April 28, 2012

Sometimes I sure wish that I was “normal” . . .



So I get up early as always to get out of the house before my kids wake up, and I was just gathering my things up to leave when my wife surprised me by coming down the stairs. I was kind of surprised at just how uncomfortable this made me. 
Years ago, when I first started going out into the big bad old world, she used to do my makeup for me, so it’s not like she has never seen me, but that was a long time ago, and to the best of my memory she hasn’t seen “Kim” in several years. The first thing she does when she hits the ground floor is to wave her hand in front of her nose.
“Too much perfume!” she said with a look of distaste on her face.
“Hey now! I used two spritz up into the air just like you taught me!” I laughed.
“Well maybe next time you should stick to one.” She said as she walked past me on the way to the coffee pot. That little interchange pretty much set the tone for the rest of my trip. . . .

So at 530AM, I am ready to head out, but since I know that my neighbor always goes to work at that time, I stood at the window waiting and watching his driveway.
“What are you waiting for?” my wife asked me.
“This is when Lee goes to work, so I’m waiting for him to leave.” I replied. She just kind of snickered her amusement at the situation. Ten minutes later I was still waiting though, and she spoke up again.
“You know, maybe he isn’t going to work today? If you are going to make your flight, you better just get on with it.”
“I guess you're right!” I told her, then gave her a hug and headed out to the truck with my bags. Of course the very second I got in my truck, my neighbor came out to leave, so I sat in the truck with the engine off and just waited until he headed out. I gave him a minute or two, then started my truck and headed off for the airport. That was when I realized that I had made another mistake – my route to the toll road is the same as his route to work, and I hadn’t thought about this until my truck was passing his truck. I drive an F150 – literally the most common vehicle on the road in Texas, so I doubt he would have realized that the “woman” driving by him was actually his neighbor, but I guess we’ll see when I get home!

As we were getting off of the plane in San Jose, I couldn’t help but notice that a guy sitting several seats ahead of me had a classic Mohawk, and the bare sides of his head was covered in blue/green tattoos shaped like scales. I tried to sneak a photo of him, but it just wasn’t feasible. 

Apparently seeing “Kim” again set my wife to thinking, because a few days into my trip she called and let me know how very unhappy she was about it all. She’s upset to see my things anywhere in the house or when she sees any of my clothes in the laundry, and she thinks that “Kim” is taking over our lives. By the end of the conversation I pretty much wanted to cry, because it seems that my choice is to either be miserable myself, or to make someone that I love miserable. On principles alone I will not go back into hiding myself or my things and I wont lie to her and tell her that I will stop when I know damned good and well that it is not something I can just give up. So I guess that I can try and give it all up, and pretty much hate my life, or I can keep making my wife of 24 years miserable.

Sometimes I sure wish that I was “normal” . . .

26 comments:

  1. You are fine just the way you are. I'm sure your wife is OK with your dressing, BUT may be concerned that you might transition and Texas being Texas...it could lead to problems. She probably doens't want to lose you so just reassure her that you will be around for her.

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  2. Kim -

    There are so many things that might be going on in her head right now, that seeing you in Kim mode have triggered feelings that she has suppressed for a while. You might want to find some quiet time to talk, and look for a middle ground - something which will give her comfort that she may not be looking at currently.

    Yes, things are complicated by you living in Texas. But many concerns of a CDer's wife would still be concerns in the most liberal of places - such as: what if his firm finds out what he does? Heck - that's why I don't do much near where I live.... So you will need to start gingerly to find out what her concerns are, and how (if means are possible) to address those concerns...?

    Chris

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  3. Chris is right about liberal places. Aholes are everywhere and all it takes is one. But the real issue is the wife. Hopefully she knew before wedding day. Its OK to restate that you are the same person she married and (hopefully you are static in your identification) you are not running off to Thailand for a srs. Communication is big and needs to be constant. Its a tough situation and I wish you the best, I really enjoy your blogs. As a andro my dress is way more toned down and rarely clocked. Although more females read me and are pleasant, kind of sisterly. Best of luck Kim.

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  4. Kim,
    I've enjoyed reading your adventures for years. With your attitude and take on life, the world would not be as joyous without Kim roaming around out there. I pretty much tried that "give it up" and "hate my life" approach for 19 years. That's no way to live, for Kim or Matt. None of us really chose this lifestyle but we did choose our wives. Keep trying at all costs, but be true to yourself and to her.

    Women - can't live without 'em, hard to live with 'em, but gotta love 'em enought to want to live like 'em once in a while.

    Love.

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  5. I can almost feel your pain over this but I admire your honesty in the situation, I can only get by with wearing panties and painting my toenails, Buck

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  6. Dearest Kim - I feel your pain in this post and am sorry when any of us are put between a dress and a hard place. My wife is very well known in our area and there are tons of people that would be really impossible to be around if I were to show myself en femme. It's not Texas but people are never as open minded and accepting as we wish they were. As a CD we are harmless and those like yourself who femulate so well and don't go out as a hairy man in a dress and lipstick should be proud representatives for our sisterhood. We can't stop being who we are, and we can't stop loving those special people in our lives. I hope you and your wife are able to talk this out. We need you and you need her.
    Be Blessed and know that love is strong.

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  7. There seems to be a general outbreak of this sort of thing at the moment, in theory everyone says that you need to talk about it, find the common ground, set boundaries all that sort of thing, my wife and I deal with it in our time honoured method of ignore it and maybe it will go away. I have had to withdraw all of Paula's things from the house, but we both know that I will not be able to stop, just so long as she doesn't have to know about it or see the evidence. This is most unsatisfactory but the best we can manage at the moment, I do hope you fare better, but you are not alone.

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  8. I believe, this is the same deal my wife started, when I traveled. I think she's at home and your children are sleeping or doing there own thing, and your out-of-town living the high life! (yeah! right! work is so must fun!) I think she's lonely. She must realize that lord knows you cann't stop either (the job or Tgirl). I'd get home and push all the reassurance I could to let her know THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE (HER) try to spend some time with her, just with her could really help... but what do I know after 30 years with the same girl.....

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  9. Tomorrow is our 16th Anniversary and for the first time we are not together on this date. My bride is in the Pacific Northwest holding her Mother's hand as she slowly slips away; something I am sure she will do for me when it is my turn. Just the fact that you are honest in your relationship with your wife is a bond that most special girls like us are not fortunate to have. I have the most sharing and loving wife a girl could have. Once she got over the "fear" that I was going to SRS or try to live full time she joined in this special life with me. We share friends that know both sides of me and some that do not. We go out together as best girl friends a couple of times a month and she knows all my online and in person friends. I also share this with my adult daughter and her husband and friends. It is who I am and I am not embaresed if I am read while out or if someone discovers who and what I am.

    You are so special to be Kim that you should be super proud of who you are and those that truly know and love you will accept you for being honest to them and yourself. I have seen you on line for years and did not discover this blog until this morning. I am happy that the first note for me to leave is with you. Suzanne Lynn Cole in MA is a great friend that I spent some time with earlier this month while I was in Boston. She spoke so highly of you and the woderful image you portray as Kim, something that she and I aspire to do as well. If you ever travel to Arizona or Las Vegas it would be an honor to meet you and share some SGT (social girl time). Maryanne

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  10. Hi Kim
    I have married 36 yrs & this problem always pops up. Sometimes my wife goes years with out says anything about Diane.
    And then out of the blue she will tell me how much she hates my dressing. This always turns my world upside down.I just hate myself but I cannot quit . My femme feelings are who I am. I feel I have the right to be a woman sometimes . I feel bad for you & your wife. It is soo difficult .
    Hugs
    Diane

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  11. Hi Kim,

    Same song as some of the others. My wife goes from hot to cold with my dressing. I know that I love when I dress, but then I feel guilty about how she is feeling. It does get very difficult from time to time. I just take one day at a time.

    Joani

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  12. Kim -

    Taking my earlier thoughts a little further....

    You once noted that your wife once complained that she doesn't have many friends because of the possibility they will get to know Kim by accident. I feel that you might have to address this issue again, as she might be worrying about what your young daughter could say by accident.

    Over here (in the NYC suburbs), I have some interesting problems of my own. My late wife knew of my cross dressing, and also knew that I wouldn't risk going outside and being exposed. Since she died, most of my relationships knew this part of me - and knew that I wouldn't put myself or them at risk. Since breaking up with my last GF (dressing wasn't an issue), I finally dared to go outside (in SF, CA), knowing that city would accept any fruit, flake, or nut, in the right areas - and had a blast. And I plan to go further in this year's vacation - experiencing some of the freedom you experience while traveling. But this leads me to my worry - I'm about to enter into a new relationship, and I'm concerned of how I'll break the news to her and how she'll react....

    So.... You might just have it easy. Don't project your fears into your thought process. Instead, try to tease out what may be bothering your wife, the underlying stuff that she isn't yet vocalizing. If she's worried about exposure, you can manage that. If she's worried about transsexualism, you can manage that. And, if she's worried about you going too far, you can manage that as well.

    Over all, you have shown yourself (via comments you've made here in this blog) to be a very responsible person. This might be what your wife needs to be reminded of - you will always put her needs first, no matter what you are wearing at the time....

    Chris

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  13. Kimberly, I think we all wish we were "normal". I love to read your blog. You always dress so well. As for being trans.
    I tend to think it is our feminine side that allow trans folk to connect with women.You must admit we do have that ability. I have to think that your wife understands that on some level. I wish you all of the luck with dealing with this.
    Love, Jackie

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  14. Kim, Today, What is normal???? I follow your travels and as a CD find them exciting; but on the cutting edge of dangerous. I do worry about your safe travels. It appears that your wife has not accepted but has tolerated your feminine side. From my experience that will never end. I'm sure you and your wife have discussed the alternatives. As you get older the meaning of tolerate becomes capitilized; TOLERATE.
    This may be the only salvation of a meaningful, bonded, loving and aging relationship.

    work it or loose it.

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  15. Kim,

    I know you want to do what's best for your family. My wife and I divorced quite a few years ago over many issues, but this was one that cropped up constantly (it wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back though, it was just about everything in our relationship). I tried giving it up too, I would purge and then after six months to a year I was dressing again. After my divorce, my oldest daughter (who is in her later 20s, she hates the ex) also told me that while she didn't consider me a freak or anything, she just preferred that I didn't dress. I don't know, maybe she was trying to protect me from those who would be more than just abusive out there (and those jerks are out there, I live in Texas too), but I tried again to give it up for awhile and I actually didn't dress for almost two years.

    I shaved my legs again today, did my makeup, put on something nice and was happy again for the first time in awhile.

    If giving it all up is what you really want to do, I honestly do wish you the best with it hon and I'll keep you in my thoughts (I always do anyway, love your blog). If it's what you want to do, I hope you have better success than I did. I made it two years. However things work out, I keep you in my thoughts - know we're out here for you.

    Oh, I was in Austin at the airport early this morning . Bergstrom is very empty at 4AM, I'm here to tell you! Back home now though.

    Melissa ("Melissa_59")

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  16. This is several months after the fact, even though I hope things are working out for you. I also can feel your pain, I gave up crossdressing for 15 years for my wife. We ended up in a divorce, after 15 years crossdressing was one of the last things on my mind. Even though I eventually started crossdressing again. I don't know if I'll ever get married again for the simple fact I don't think I'll ever find a woman that would understand and I don't think I could stop as I did before. Wishing you the best Rhonda

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  17. Kim,
    I have a penpal in England who is going through the same thing as you are. I will see if I can't share your blog with her, if she isn't already aware of it.
    PB

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  18. Hi Kim, I was a little surprised to read your wife is unhappy. Your life as Kim is a very important part of your life. Like so many who have commented here giving it up would be so very hard on you and you would not be living your authentic self. Also, like others here I have been through the same thing. My late wife struggled and hated my life as Darian. We were married almost 30 years and my desire to be female had a part in her passing. You know in your heart who you are and the life you want to live. Be honest with her and talk about your feelings with her, but more importantly listen to her and talk about her feelings. Take it slow and give it some time and try to come together on finding a balance between your life as Kim and your life as Matt. She probably needs matt in her life more than Kim. If you are like me, you need Kim in your life more than Matt? I lived my life for the next time I got to be Darian, I still do. It's all I want to do and be and even though my live in girlfriend is more than supportive and full on board with Darian she needs a boyfriend in her life. Deep down want to live full time as female and maybe you also wish you could. Ask yourself this and if you can't live any other way then you owe it to your wife to be honest. But if you want a life being Kim and being Matt and can be happy, work with her and figure out a balance. Of course you love her and would do anything for her. Please be honest with her and with yourself and be the person that will make you happy as painful as that may be.

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