Thursday, February 27, 2020

Not in my happy place . . .



As many of you have noticed, I’ve all but stopped writing my blog these days. I guess I really ought to get around to formally saying “I’m done with it”, but it keeps calling me back from time to time. In some ways it’s kind of cathartic I guess, and is something like a diary for me. Sometimes it makes me feel better to write it, and sometimes it condenses and distills my feelings and makes me feel worse. You just never know until you start writing. One thing for certain though, I’ve always tried to be honest and up front here, so I’m not gonna pull any punches with this one either.

Honestly, there are just so many ways that you can keep telling essentially the same story:
I went to the airport.
I got on a plane.
I got off the plane and went to a hotel.
I may or may not have met someone along the way.
Something interesting or amusing may or may not have occurred along the way.

It got to the point where I could pretty much create a template and just fill it in with details:
“Today I went to “ <INSERT CITY HERE> “ where I met up with “ <INSERT NAME HERE> 
So yeah, I’ve kind of backed away from the blog and all of the time and effort required to write them.



As seems to be the case for most of us, I play with depression quite a bit. It’s an old and constant companion with a presence that ebbs and flows but never quite goes away. These days I dwell quite a lot on my wife of almost 33 years and what being married to me has done to her. I wasn’t going to talk about this here, but its haunting me to obsession the last few months. I’ve shared all of the happy and fun stories with you, perhaps encouraging some to take the chance and step out into the world in the hope for, and in search of, happiness or acceptance. The full truth though, is that I, and those around me, have paid a price for who and what I am.

I’ve talked to a lot of women through the years and have seen so many of their eyes light up with admiration when I tell them that I am transgender.  
“You are SO brave!” they tell me, eyes glittering with sincerity, “And look at you – you’re beautiful!”  Women find this brave, and admirable, and perhaps inspiring. . . unless it’s their husband that we are talking about. That brings it a bit closer to home. A bit more real. A bit more significant. Now it’s no longer about someone being brave for having the courage to be themselves, it’s about “Oh my God, what will my friends think if they find out? What if the neighbors see my husband leaving in the morning? What if my father finds out what my husband is? What about my church?!”  It’s a whole different story when it’s your husband.
Often, it helps when you have others to talk to, to share your worries with, and to help you carry the load, and so several times in the last 30 years my wife has told friends of hers about me. All of them, every single one of them, no longer talks to her. Oh, they will still say hello when she crosses their path, but they no longer call her, or come over, or invite her over. In many ways, I’ve taken what used to be a vibrant and outgoing young lady and turned her into an isolated woman. Her best friends have all bailed on her, and the knight in shining armor that all little girls dream of, and that she had thought she had married, thinks he’s the fricking princess. I feel guilty for what I’ve done to her. I feel over whelming guilt. So the bright eyed little girl that I married is afraid to have friends, afraid that her family will find out that she married a freak, and is spending most of her days and nights alone while I’m on the road. To make matters just that much worse, with all of my health and heart problems, we haven’t been . . .well . . .you know . . . intimate . . . in years. So now I’ve given her a lonely and passionless life and marriage. Yay me. Way to go.  When I started having all of the heart problems, do you know what one of my first thoughts was? It wasn’t “Oh gee, I hope I don’t die.” Nope, one of my first thoughts was “Gee, maybe it’s not too late for my wife to meet someone else and have a normal life if I die.”
So yeah, I guess I’m in a bit of a dark place right now.

Oh, this week I went to <DETROIT> and I met <ABSOLUTELY NO ONE BECAUSE I CANT DEAL WITH THE ANXIETY RIGHT NOW>
Sigh . . .

19 comments:

  1. Hi Kimberly,
    I get it! I get you! Does it ever stop? Wouldn't you love to never have to talk about it again? I know I would!

    My partner is a beautiful woman too and she is being crushed (in slow motion). I hate myself some days! I've already lost one wife and two children over this. My greater family and friends are good but I'm still 'in here' as it were. And I'm still hurting the person I love most.

    I've tried so many times to 'straighten up and fly right' I've lost count. I'm sixty *%^& five and still talking about it! I'm like a broken record player! Stop! And when I add to that what I'm doing to my love it's hard. I get it. But not being me is even worse. And like any good woman, my woman urges her man to be himself even if that's herself! It's heartbreaking and uplifting all at one time. I get the depression thing. Big time. Been there too often! I go there when I fight myself and the world so, no more... no more... no more! Stop fighting Petra! (Do you do that? Talk to yourself I mean?).

    All I ask is for the courage to be myself - to have the courage to have no courage if you like!

    I have committed to publishing my blog ("Petrafied") on properfool.com by March 24th (52 years since my Dad died - there's always something right?). I feel stupid saying that but then surely that's what out blogs are about - having the courage to to say it as it is, without explanation (to yourself or others). It's about feeling stupid and everything else in between and having the courage to be human.

    I love your blog - it's truth is powerful and uplifting. It has helped me. I'm not sure exactly how but I know it has. Thank you. Be you, my dear friend - everyone else is taken!

    Peter Petra, Ireland
    PS - I'm writing this from my ID on Google I think? :-)

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  2. Thank you for the courage to speak the truth. "This", however each and every one of us defines it, causes problems, some one has to pay the price. It is us, or our spouses, or family members, lost friendships or at least altered friendships, whomever, it is always some one, some how. I wish I could offer the solution, the magic word that would make it all right, but we all know, every single one of us knows, that does not exist.

    Having a blog of my own, I do understand how "putting in on paper" so to speak, helps.

    God bless you.

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  3. Hi Kim!:

    Been a long time since you have posted. Just thought I would say that there are a multitude of folks in here who "feel your pain!"
    I would start by mentioning your wife of 30+ years who is still with you even through the haze of the CD thing. That really says something about her efforts and true love for you, you must see that. I have gone through many girl friends and lost a real good one years ago. I showed her my profile "legs" picture and when I told her it was me it was like yarn-unspooling! She giggled at first but then the anxiety started and then the fear and then of course the anger! Yeah, that relationship left the road at 100 mph with the hair on fire and that was it.

    As far as friends? I have none to speak of. A limp wrist over the years, a feminine statement or thought leaks out and the fact that I don't date much lends a hint that I may actually be gay. I am not gay, but that's how it plays. I have heard the chuckles, snickers and laughs and outright anger at my type, the type nobody can prove. The type that stays to himself and lives a lonely life because that is what this condition brings to us. We have no choice. We do the best we can. "I never asked to be here" a friend of mine once said. I get that and would add that I never asked to be this way. It is simply because it is. And believe me I know because I spend the first three years of college as a Psychology major trying to figure it all out until I finally realized nobody else knows any more than us! Except we can accessorize adn can pick the right heels for the outfit.

    I have gone out, read my story about me looking a bit too good, legs wise at a Haloween party. Yeah, the whispers from that lasted 6 months and I did lose friends over that. But if you lose friends for that---they weren't real friends anyway. They are simply toxic people like "soccer moms" who think everyone should live as they live. I don't judge and never have and can't understand what business my proclivities have where anyone else is concerned! That boggles my mind!! I feel your pain Kim, totally. You just continue on and do the best you can. We all love your posts and you being here.
    Shiny-

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  4. It is not we who are brave, it is our spouces, our children, our friends. It is one thing to accept that a man may be a woman it is quite another to accept that your man may be a woman. I lost my marriage over this, but through that I gained my best friend. Your wife must be a special lady to keep going through all the travels, the troubles, and your struggles (I may be assuming too much here, but most of us struggle with our gender identity untill we settle on it and make itvmatchbour gender presentation), and still stand by you.

    As for the blog, I too have found myself posting less and less often. It is handy however, every now and then, when I feel the need to put something out there that is more than a Facebook post.

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  5. I also hear, identify, and sympathize. I lost my 1st wife due to my dressing. My current spouse has been understanding and supportive off and on. It's hard as the years go by (coming up on 23). If I knew of a cure all, I'd have it on the market immediately!

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  6. It is good to write it down and be honest, and grieve. No lady i have wanted relationship with accepted my dressing. So, at 66, i am still alone, but have pets who help greatly. I have not been out in public in well over 2 yrs. Had a few near death moments on my bicycle and in my pick up recently, and i am living on borrowed time. Should have been killed. We all need to soul search, and it is good, after the pain. I know you love your wife dearly, and maybe write her a soulful letter.

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  7. You once gave me great advice, and I will give you some. Try not to stress on this too much. Find your balance with it all, but most of all "Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life, not even me." You wrote very similar words to me years ago. You are a wonderful person. My heart goes out to you. --Laura L.

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  8. I a glad to hear from you. I speak for most of your readers that we were worried for you. Sorry to hear about the health issues.
    Most of us also have the burden of depression dogging us. I have found my depression to be a multi-layered depression, and most importantly, one of the layers for 'our group' is the depressive issue of GENDER DYSPHORIA. It seems that this very issue puts us in a 'depressive spiral', moving from one depressive layer to another, without resolution of any layer.
    As for your spousal relationship, do try to get to a good place. Its OK that your friends find out you are CD/TG.
    I recently revealed to my wonderful spouse my own TG/CD issues, and she is OK and positive with this matter. I have decided that whoever in our friends/family finds out, well simply finds out. NO STRESSING.
    I did include a few links at my last post a while back, do check them out.

    With much admiration and respect, from a 'fellow traveler'.
    Velma

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  9. Kim -

    You and I had the same problem, but manifested in different ways. Your blog has been (mostly) focused on your travels while en-femme. My blog was (mostly) about my experiences, more and more of them being done en-femme. You are lucky that your wife has stayed married to you - I just lost a girlfriend of 5 years, because of being in the "pink fog".

    Seeing what has happened to your wife must haunt you every day. Yet, the "friends" she has lost were not real friends. My ex girlfriend hears rumors of what I am through contacts in common with our meetup groups, and she is afraid of what people will think of her. Although I can't blame her for that, she helped cast that die when she introduced me to her meetup group one night. Now that we've broken up, I've started to go to her groups when she's not planning on attending - as they do many of the things I enjoy.

    There is only so much we can do to protect the people in our lives. If any of us could, we'd cut this side of us out of our lives. But we can't. Our spouses sign on "for life", so it is our duty to tell prospective mates about this part of us early in our relationships. My ex knew from our second date, so she has few excuses for when people talk about me and a past connection to her. I told her that true friends will accept her. False friends will not. True family will always accept her choices - false family will not. Who needs inauthentic people in their lives?

    How much have you talked to your wife about this? What has she said? Have you told her "I Love You" lately? These questions are the best advice I can give you now....

    Hope you are out of your depressive funk soon.

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    Replies
    1. Marian, I've been worried about you since you abruptly ceased posting. So glad to hear you are well.

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  10. I think one truism regarding our wives or SOs is that they perceive how they are viewed with how we are viewed. Cross dressing is something that is just not understood. Most women are OK with CDs as long as it is NOT THEIR HUSBAND or SO.
    I wish you well. I have been balancing my CD desires with my love of my wife and her love for me. She is a natural worry wort. She worries and stresses about everything. When she knows that I am out and about in a dress all sorts of negative visions pass through her head. Being a CD is a blessing and a burden on us but mostly a burden on our loved ones.

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  11. Kim, my heart hurts reading all this. But it gives me courage to make the right choice -- laying aside Kaley for the sake of my marriage. I may visit with Kaley on my own, on a blue moon, but I gladly give her up for my wife. Every situation is different, so I don't proclaim any universal moral recommendations. But for me, when I'm thinking clearly, the choice between my marriage/family and Kaley is clear and simple. I'll take your words as encouragement to stay on that path.

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  12. I too was once in the same situation as you.I finally realized that I had an obligation to be the best ME that I could be to my wife and family.That meant taking good care of my health, body, mind, and family.It does not include the added distraction of trying to be someone else and/or being a pharmaceutical concoction.I was born male and that's simply the way it is.Of course it can be fun for Halloween or something else(I can look good) but be careful going down that rabbit hole, it can become an obsession.Best to stay grounded in reality.Like it or not you owe it to those around you.At the end of the day men and women are not all that different anyway.

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  13. Hi. I'm sorry to hear you're not in a good place right now. I hope that things start to turn around for you soon.

    Depression is, I think, an awful thing that robs us of our spark and brings a heavy grey blanket to the world. It can also twist things so you can only see the negative.

    May I say your blog and honesty are inspiring? It is not easy to balance who we are with other commitments and I think the treatment your partner has received from 'friends', says more about their failings to accept another person, than it is about you or your wife.

    I hope things get better for you and yours.

    L x

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  14. Hi. Your blog is the most amazing and I wish that you are still writing. Last week I completed an entire return journey from the UK to the USA flying pretty - something that I have wanted to do for years - and it was the most extraordinary, liberating experience. The security staff on both sides of the ocean were wonderful and professional. In the UK no issues or hold ups whatsoever. In the US the full body scanner picked up my groin anomaly after I was registered as female and I was patted down by a courteous female TSA staff member. She registered the clips and straps of my suspenders and just asked if I was wearing a garter belt. I replied yes and she said no problem. Then on the plane it was wonderful to have the hostesses saying ‘madam’ throughout. I was in three seats to myself, which suited me for this trip, but in future I would love to interact with other passengers a little more as you, Kimberly, have done so inspiringly for so many years. I do hope that in time we might hear more about your adventures. Thank you for inspiring me to take to the air in female form. It was a blast.

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  15. Howdy Kimberly,

    To start, I'm impressed by a) your eloquence b) your courage c) the number of years you've been doing this d) the courage and strength of your wife and family d) the length and variety of your blog entries... and, gosh, well, I can't list everything here.

    Secondly, I am fully aware each of us lives a huge universe in our own minds and each of us experiences crossdressing (or further, gender variations) in our own very personal way.

    The one thing that really grabbed me was this one entry, where you put forward the crude reality of our society (including your spouse): how crossdressing, with all of its 'public acceptance' and apparent 'oh-so-cool' reception from strangers, is really not there. It's still a façade of sorts (ie: society hasn't really gotten there). Strides have been made, but we have a long way to go.

    Our generation (and still the current one) has grown with this 'ultra strict' definition of sexuality and/or gender... which is so rooted/burnt in our brains, and oh-so-extremely tough to overcome.

    Cheers,

    -Jenny
    (in Austin now)

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  16. Hi Kimberly.

    I just came across this blog post, as, like you, I don't dress or blog as much myself anymore either. I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with a variety of issues in and around gender, but I fully understand as I have been there myself more than once.

    You captured very well the angst that all of us who crossdress deal with, and especially those of us who have been married for a long time. You're also exactly correct in how you feel about what we've inflicted on our wives over the years/decades of us pursuing this component of who we are, sometimes to excess. The fact that our wives thought they married men, who in turn actually wanted to be the wife. What a conundrum!

    Our minds are wired differently than those of our biological brothers, for better or worse, so we've had to carry and deal with this burden (and yes, it is a burden regardless of how joyful it may be when we have the opportunity to truly and fully express ourselves as our femme selves) for most of our lives. By marrying real women, we've also pulled them into this universe we inhabit and often, instead of bringing them up, we've pulled them down into the depths of depression, fear, anger, concern and all of the other emotions we deal with as crossdressers and transgendered people.

    No, it's not easy...

    So yes, I get it. I've been in that dark place as well. For me, I finally gave up dressing about 3 years ago when some things happened in my life that basically forced me to make a choice. At times I felt noble about my choice (Yeah me, I did the right thing!), while at other times I truthfully miss the ability to express that feminine component of my personality. The joy of seeing myself transform into that feminine woman I imagine myself to be is something that I miss every day. Making the choice to step away from it doesn't make it any easier, it just makes it more real (and difficult).

    But life goes on, and so must I, so...

    By the way, you and I used to correspond a bit back in the day when I was active on Flickr. My femme name is Holly Morris and I've moved back to Austin now too. If you'd like to ever grab coffee sometime (after all the COVID craziness is behind us), just reply here and then we can set something up. I've found that it's very helpful to be able to talk and share my journey with others of similar predilection, as my other "normal" male friends (and really, what is normal?) just don't/can't/won't/don't want to understand. Truthfully, I don't understand it myself, but Holly is and always will be part of who I am. I make this offer in all good faith, as it really does help to share with another sister, even if we're both completely in male mode. And yes, there is definitely humor involved there too. I remember once a friend of mine and I met for lunch and were talking about our favorite styles, makeup, jewelry, shoe styles, what our preferred style of dress is, things to do while dressed, places to go, how wonderful it is to be seen and treated as women, etc. and we realized that if anyone was eavesdropping on us talking about all those female topics, it would really confuse them! You have to enjoy the humor where you can find it, right?

    So anyway, if you'd like a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, or someone to share with who is of similar age and experience, I'm here and would love to visit, just let me know.

    Hugs,

    Holly

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  17. Dear Kimberly,
    Everyone is responcible for their own choices. If your wife did not have a happy life with you its her not your problem (unless you had her chained down). If I am not happy from my spouce I just walk away I don't load her/him up with guilt because this is just another means of control.
    This is what I cleared with my wife. This is who I am, accept it or walk away from it.
    I believe you are an awsome character, a good man/woman and anybody would be happy to have you. Maybe you should find someone to make you happy!
    Kisses and cheer up!

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