It’s been a while huh? Sorry ‘bout that, but I’ve been a tad
bit busy with my personal and professional life being a bit tossed about.
We have a service contract with a huge customer in Indiana
that requires us to have an engineer onsite every week day. This was all well
and fine until the guy that was filling that position for us decided to up and
quit. Guess who the only other person in our field service group is that knows
that product well enough to go in and pick up the pieces? Yup, ‘twas I! So, for
the last six months I’ve been living in a hotel in Indiana.
It turns out that it is a good thing that the guy quit,
because he apparently wasn’t devoting much effort to his job, and the customer
was pissed off about it. Here our customer was mad as hell, but we had had no
idea until this guy quit. Want to hear something funny? This guy turned around
and started his own company, then tried to take the service business away from
my company. Apparently he didn’t realize just how badly he had pissed off our
customer and he had thought he could make his own personal fortune by coming
right back in as his own contractor. One
of the managers I work with here flat out told me that if he saw that guy on
the facility, he would personally escort him off of the premises. Yeah, needless to say, he didn’t take the
contract from us.
Despite the fact that they're in a historically masculine industry where you would expect Good Ol' Boys and Red Necks to be in charge of things, this company is VERY accepting. I've met several openly gay people who are happily married here and are clearly accepted, and I've met three TG's that I know of who are open and out here. In fact, this company will actually pay for their GRS, and I don't know of any other company that will do that. Don't get me wrong, no one is running up to hug them all and say "You are SO welcome here!", but they do have good jobs, and are accepted. It is progress. I'd like to share their company's name because I am proud of them and they should be proud of themselves, but I can't risk breaking either their company's policies on social media, nor my own company's. Not worth the risk to me.
Despite the fact that they're in a historically masculine industry where you would expect Good Ol' Boys and Red Necks to be in charge of things, this company is VERY accepting. I've met several openly gay people who are happily married here and are clearly accepted, and I've met three TG's that I know of who are open and out here. In fact, this company will actually pay for their GRS, and I don't know of any other company that will do that. Don't get me wrong, no one is running up to hug them all and say "You are SO welcome here!", but they do have good jobs, and are accepted. It is progress. I'd like to share their company's name because I am proud of them and they should be proud of themselves, but I can't risk breaking either their company's policies on social media, nor my own company's. Not worth the risk to me.
The good news is that my company is well aware of the
sacrifice my family and I are making. I received a letter and a modest bonus
from the Vice President of our company thanking me for going to extraordinary
lengths to salvage the situation. The bad news is that I’m not sure their
thanks and bonus is worth missing so much of my children’s growing. . .
Welp, I have a brand new granddaughter, Gwenevere, and she
is just a few months old now! Of course you would expect me to say this, but
she is one of the cutest critters I’ve ever seen. Funny, but as a kid, I always
hoped that someday I would find someone stupid enough to marry me, but somehow
the idea of having children never crossed my mind. It really floors me that I
have three children and two grandchildren now. How the hell did that happen?!
Where I am staying in Indiana is about half the distance to
visit my son and his family in Virginia as it would be from my home in Texas,
so I made it a point to go meet my new granddaughter one weekend. It might be a
shorter drive from here than it would be from Texas, but it still wasn’t a short drive. It took me 12 hours of
driving each way over one weekend to git ‘er done, but I did it! Just to make
it that much harder, I even made the trip back to Indiana with a massive
hangover, because I’m just that kind of stupid.
I don’t get out much as Kim these days for a few reasons.
I’m afraid that my three years of laser treatments on my face failed to kill my
beard. It helped a lot, but it’s still there. Since it has been a couple of
years since my last treatment, you can now see beard shadow through my
foundation, and so it is pretty quickly obvious that I am a guy in a dress.
Strike one against my confidence. Just to make things worse, my 50 year old
face is rapidly degrading and showing its age more and more each and every day.
It surprising to me just how rapidly the wrinkles and the sagging eyes are
getting worse. It’s as if my face held out as long as it could, but has now
thrown in the towel and said “Screw it! Let that shit wrinkle and sag!”. So at
a time when I have to wear heavier foundation to hide the beard, I now have
deep wrinkles that are exaggerated by the heavy makeup. Strike two for my
confidence. Last but not least, working at this customer site is a major change
of physical activity for me. I am used to lots of walking through airports,
busting my butt off to do a job, then lots more walking through airports on the
way home. My job with this customer? Sit at a tiny cubicle all day long just in
case one of their 160 instruments fails. I’ve gained over 10 pounds since being
tied down to one customer. Strike three for my confidence. Let me sum that up for you – fat, old,
bearded dude in a dress. Sigh . . .
So I’ve been in Indiana for about six months now and this
last weekend is the first time that I got out as Kim, and my confidence was
destroyed right out of the gate. I’d decided to go see the latest installment
in the “Divergent” series (a mediocre movie by the way) and was standing in
line to buy my ticket. There was a mother with two teenage boys in line in
front of me. I’d guess one of the buys was probably about 16 and the other
14. The 16 year old looked at me as he
turned around to talk to his brother, and then the whispering started. The 14
year old starts looking up, down, and all around as if he were watching a bee
buzzing about his head, before he turns fully around to look at me with a huge
grin on his face. That was hands down the worst job of looking while trying not
to be obvious that I have ever seen. It was so pathetic that it actually made
me laugh a bit, so I thought I’d make the best out of it.
“You know, you really need to work on your subtlety a little
bit.” I told the kid with a smile. He looked a bit stunned, but his mother and
big brother broke out into a full laugh.
So I guess here is the way things are panning out. I’ve
traveled all over the country as Kim for the last 10 years or so. Perhaps I was
deluding myself, perhaps not, but during most of that travel, I have felt as if
I were perceived as a woman. This was
gratifying and fulfilling for me. Now, for the reasons that I mentioned above,
I am clearly not being perceived as female, not even by myself, and this I do
not find fulfilling. Now when I go out, I am clearly being perceived simply as
a cross dressed man, and this takes quite a bit more courage and a thicker
skin. I’m not sure I have it, and even if I do have the courage, what is the
point if it doesn’t make me happy? I’m still contemplating things, but I think
that the odds are good that I’m just about done with it. I told my daughter the
other day that I was thinking about just being a “normal” guy, and she laughed and informed me that “normal” doesn’t impress her much. Damn I love my kids . . .
Normal is highly overrated. I've been shown more love and support by family since I've started being honest with them than ever before. And honestly, I ain't normal.
ReplyDeleteSarah Charles
There should be a "like" button here . . .
DeleteOr Love....
DeleteSue
Normal is a town in Illinois about 50 miles west of the Indiana Line.
Delete[You are closer to Normal than you think!]
Welcome Back Kim
Normal is SO overrated! Sounds like you have a loving and supportive family - you are truly blessed, Sweetie.
DeleteNice to have you back
ReplyDeletehugs Diane in San Jose
It is good to have you back in the blogoshpere. I have over a decade on you and at my size being perceived as a woman has never been a question but I hope that at some point going forward you come to realize that it is not so bad being out and about as a guy in a dress. When life gives you lemons make lemonade.
ReplyDeletePat
Hi Kim it's good to see you back I forgot to tell you it's hell getting old but enjoy the times they are all good just some are better
ReplyDeleteSusie
Don't ever give up - It is too much fun. I have been going out about 30 years, traveling like you for business and fun. There are times when my confidence wains - but just smile and be yourself. Kimberly will always be part of you and cannot be denied. That is our normal. check www.rhondasescape.com "Rhonda's Escape" I enjoy your blog and happy to see you back writing.
ReplyDeleteRhonda
Hi Kim,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have posted again. Your "can do" attitude has always inspired me. Please don't be disheartened now.
None of your three negatives are reasons to give up. You can have laser hair removal again. You will lose the 10 pounds that you put on. We all age regardless of gender.
The desire to present en femme ebbs and flows; it doesn't disappear. You have great adventures en femme to come.
Best Wishes,
Penny
Kim,
ReplyDeleteWhere do I start? Confidence comes from doing and confidence is more than half of passing. So practice makes perfect - you need to get out there. But the other thing to remember is that we don't go out pretty for the rest of the world to give us a score from 1 to 10. We go out for ourselves and we should not let others prevent us from doing what we need to do. If you are typical, if you don't do this, it will eventually catch up with you and what follows is not pretty and needs to be avoided.
WRT your beard, I have not removed my beard even though I might want to. It is getting gray but here is what I do. I make my own primer (in real time) by coloring it with a deep red dye that really does a good job of hiding things. I then cover with Ben Nye beard cover and a foundation. I have been told that one cannot see my beard. If you would like specifics or even a sample of the dye, IM me on FB. I am glad to help a fellow pretty traveler.
Best,
Leann
Kim, I am SOOO glad to finally read a new blog post from you. I keep checking back periodically to see if I somehow missed one.
ReplyDeleteYou are still beautiful, and I really admire your confidence, as was mentioned, your "can do" attitude is what keeps you awesome.
I'm not good at pep talks, really, but I do hope you keep coming back as Kim and I hope that it does make you happy again. You have a lot of people out there and a lot of friends out there that all look up to you.
Thank you for being Kim.
Suzanne
Nice to see your new blog. I think your looking good but I know real live is not the same as pictures. I know for me some days I can pass where ever I go with no problem At least in my own mind but other day I get clocked by blind men at night. So I don't let it bother me too much But I know the feeling of being an old man in a dress. Just keep having fun. Isn't that all that really matters
ReplyDelete"Betya that you can't quit" lol Impossible ! We were born this way !
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to see you blogging again. You really underrate yourself because beauty begins on the inside and that's what really matters. Your desire to present en femme won't go away because it's an integral part of who you are. So you need to continue to embrace it, never mind the wrinkles that we are all getting as we get older. We may just need to make a few slight adjustments to the clothes as we age gracefully, and that's all. And keep on blogging!
ReplyDeletexxxxxx
Davina Liffey
You are simply amazing! Your confidence and beauty are an inspiration, and your writing is incredible!
ReplyDelete(I'll be expecting my monthly check soon...)
;)
Glad to see your post...and that you are well, even though too busy.
ReplyDeleteVery cute granddaughter...you can be so proud of her.
As for your own pic, you look just as gorgeous as ever! Don't "give up the ship" quite yet...the magic is still there.
Stay pretty - as often as you can (even if it's not often enough)!
Mandy
I suggest getting a professional makeup consultation to get some new ideas and products. You have so much experience and your body frame and features are great. That is more than most crossdressers can claim. Be selective about your public exposure but don't give up this part of your identity. You will always find support from those who follow your blog.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. I'm 7 years your senior, about a century past your weight (if not more), and I don't care; I still put my face on and get out in the world regularly. How much longer are you going to be doing time in-diana? You should get a Derby hat and come down here to KY for a day at the races.
ReplyDeleteKim OMG so glad you are back, I think you proved yourself wrong when going to the Celtic Women concert and having a great conversation with the lady next to you.
ReplyDeleteI too do not want to be seen as a cross dressed man I understand completely, you want to be seen as a women. Well it doesn't happen all the time for me but it's like this 33% Pass-> 33% not sure didn't notice-> 33% transitioned transgender.
I'm good with that
I also do some method acting exercises and envision my self as Mrs Paula G, married, professional, post op female.
Keep Pink
Glad to see you back Kim... go loose a little weight - go shopping, squint when you look in the mirror (works for me) be happy in your femininity - congrats on being a new g-paw/ma your beautiful .........Debra
ReplyDeletea couple years ago i knew a local retired electrolysis expert (now deceased) who had given talks all over the country and had written books on the subject and he told me he had investigated laser hair removal hopping to make it easier on his patients. what he found is that laser was not as permanent as electrolysis.
ReplyDeleteYepper, a reputable place will even tell you up front that it is not permanent. of course they imply that they can't say this because it hasn't been in use long enough to prove that it is permanent, and so you cross your fingers and hope . . .
DeleteIf I had it all to do over again, I'd skip the laser and go straight to electrolysis