Friday, July 13, 2012

The Quick Change Artist (Detroit June 2012)

It’s been a while since I last traveled pretty, and that has been for an assortment of reasons.  For one, the summer heat is brutal and makes it tough to look and feel your best. It’s hot for anyone, but when you add hip pads, breast forms, nylons, and a face caked with makeup, it becomes truly unbearable.  The other reason I’ve been flying in boy mode is because my wife has become increasingly unhappy with my activities and has been letting me know this pretty much every chance that she gets.
As I was packing my things for this week’s trip, I was running around in shorts and a new t-shirt when my wife made a comment to me.

“I like the way you look in that shirt.” She said with a smile.
“This ol’ thing? I just found it hanging in my closet.” I replied with a grin. After a brief pause, she started laughing and then replied.
“You are so broke in the head. You have no idea what is in the boy side of your closet, but I’ll bet that you know every single thing you have hanging on the other side!”

Of course, that’s just plain silly, I thought to myself, because I have a really shitty memory and way too many female clothes for me to even come close to recalling each and every one of them! I suspected that I wasn’t going to be doing myself any favors if I told her that though, so I let it ride and only replied with a laugh. She wasn’t done though. . .

 “I miss Matthew.” She said with a forlorn look on her face. It took me a second to realize what she had said as it seemed kind of out of context.
“What do you mean?”
“Just that – I want Matthew back.”
“Umm , I never left. I’m still here ya know?!”
“Yeah, but it seems like ‘Kimberly’ is taking over.”
“Hell, I haven’t traveled as Kimberly in over a month!”
“I still think you’re obsessed with it.”
“I don’t know if that’s entirely fair. I go to great lengths to only do this when I travel and am away from home you know? You never have to see it or deal with it, so I’m not sure why it is a problem for you. I can’t help thinking that maybe you’re obsessed with it.”
She decided to change her angle of attack after that comment.
“You know, every single time you leave the house that way, you risk our family.” She said. I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that one, and was a little taken aback by the anger in her voice.
“Sweetheart, you know that your mother has already told everyone in your family right? I have no idea how she found out, but she made sure that everyone else knows now. What risk is left?”
“How about your job? If they find out that you are misrepresenting the company when you are traveling on their time and money?”
“I’m not representing them this way – I wouldn’t dream of going to a customer like that. How I travel is my business.” I replied, getting more than a little defensive.
“I just miss Matthew.” She said again.
“Baby, I’ve never changed. This is me, and has always been me. I honestly don’t know what to tell you if that makes you so unhappy.  I hate to say this, but maybe you should decide if you want me anymore. I know that this is not what you signed up for or expected, and I do understand that. If you can’t stand to be with me, I’ll let you go. I don’t want you to leave, but I I’ll let you go if you want to.”
Funny thing – you expect that I would recall her answer, but I was so upset that I guess I don’t. Obviously she didn’t say “get out” though . . .

I didn’t share this to air my dirty laundry in public, I just figure that I always share the amusing and fun stuff with you so it’s only fair to also comment on the bad things that happen and on the consequences that go hand in hand with my choices. Sigh . . .

So Monday morning I found myself back in the Austin airport as always, and I made my way to the US Airways counter. The ladies there still aren’t quite as friendly as the Delta folks have become with me, but I think that they are warming up a little. It goes without saying that I had the full attention of all of the women behind the counter as I stepped up. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, just minor chit-chat and nothing of note, and then I made my way to the security check area. As I was removing my shoes and sparklies, an absolutely stunning woman wearing a flawless “business woman” dress looked at me for a moment and then approached.

“You aren’t Linda are you?” she asked, very hesitant and clearly pretty sure that I wasn’t.
“Nope!” I told her with a laugh.
I wonder if she has found Linda yet?

After I put all of my things onto the x-ray machines belt, I made my way over to the body scanner to wait for my turn to go through it. For just a brief moment I was delighted to find that there was a large fan behind us, desperately trying in vain to cool all of the folks waiting in line. I say I was delighted for a moment, because that’s all it took to realize that I was in trouble! The cute summer dress that I was wearing was made out of a very light material, and it very much wanted to help me do an impression of Marylyn Monroe. One second I was prim and proper, and the very next second the skirt of my dress was trying to climb up to my ears. Needless to say, I frantically grabbed at the dress and held it in place against the offending breeze while I waited my turn with a bright red face.
I’m pretty sure that I didn’t show anyone more than is proper, but I’m not positive. . .

After I boarded the airplane, I was off in my own little world, listening to my music and reading a book on my IPAD, when an off duty flight attendant took the seat directly in front of mine. I had to laugh though, when part way through the flight she went to the lavatory for about five minutes, and when she came out she was wearing casual clothes and had her hair down.

“Now that was a quick change!” I told her with grin.
“I know! You get pretty good at it with practice!” she laughed.
“I’m especially impressed given the lack of room in those bathrooms! There is hardly enough room to sit in there, let alone change clothes!”
We laughed about it for a minute or two, and then she started telling me about how her divorce had just been finalized, and she was going to meet some girl friends for her first night on the town as a single woman in 17 years. The thing that struck me was how very happy she seemed at the whole idea!

I had one giggle moment that was work related while I was in Detroit. The machine I was repairing uses several gold plated mirrors, and sometimes these need to be cleaned, so I asked my customer to show me the way to the men’s room so that I could run the mirror under hot water. He was leading the way, and I was following him while carrying a $4000 mirror that was still at around 190 Celsius (HOT!). There were several men leaving the restroom as we entered it, and he turned to me.
“Do you want me to hold it for you?” he asked as we entered the men's room. Of course he was referring to the mirror, but the guys that were leaving the room didn’t know that, and the looks on their faces was priceless!
“All things considered, maybe you should consider rephrasing that question?” I asked him.

When I returned my Avis rental car, the lady that took care of me was one that I have dealt with several times before, and she happily greeted me.
“There’s my favorite girl with the killer shoes, and oh, those are awesome!” she said.
“Thank you!” I laughed
“So - how did you like the car?” She asked while pointing at the Ford Flex I had rented
“I loved it. To be honest, I don’t care for the boxy outside, but the interior is awesome.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought about the outside too, but I really like the car.”
“I liked it too. Can I have it?” I asked with grin.
“Sure! I’ll trade you the car for the shoes?”
“Your on!” I told her, and we both laughed at the absurd trade.

I think that the Detroit airport must set their equipment to be a bit more sensitive than other airports, because I’ve been breezing through the body scanners for months now with no problems, but I hit a brick wall here. As I exited the scanner, I turned to look at the display that shows the inspector that I am either good to go, or shows them where they need to inspect my person. I groaned as I saw that it was marking my chest area and my waist. The chest area is no great surprise as I was wearing breast forms, but I still have no idea why it flagged my waist. Anyway, the inspector apparently wasn’t happy with the results and asked me to enter the body scanner again. I’ve been frisked quite a few times, but this was the first time that I’ve ever been asked to go through the machine again. The only flaw with that plan was that another woman had already entered it and was standing there with her hands above her head waiting for them to scan her. The inspector asked her to step back out of the machine but the woman apparently didn’t hear her and so continued to stand there with her hands up.
“Ma’am!” The inspector called out firmly to her. “Please step back out of the machine!”
The poor woman turned dark red as she put her hands down and backed out, and I turned dark red as I re-entered and took her place.
Nothing changed on the second trip through though, and I still wound up getting frisked. This time they even took swabs on my hands and put them through a machine. The woman taking the sample gave me a regretful look that seemed to say “I’m sorry about this” and so I tried to lighten up the mood.
“What? Do I look like a terrorist or something?” I asked with a laugh.
“Not at all, it’s just procedure!” she replied
“Sure sure . . . “ I said with a skeptical and sarcastic tone of voice, and gave her a wink.

I’m sure that you’ll all be happy to know that she didn’t find a trace of any explosives on my hands . . .


  1. Hi Kim, I'm glad that you felt comfortable writing about your situation @ home. You're brave and you give insite to the rest of us. I hope everything works out for you.
    I have to say that I cant wait to read about your trips and experiences on the road.
    Take care, Jackie

  2. i am soooo sorry to hear of your wife's sudden apprehension sort of makes you wonder who has been "bending her ear" and influncing her thoughts lately since up till now she has always been soooo supportive.

    this is the reason i have as part of my profile on the singles sites that i am transgendered but not transitioning. so that there is nothing hidden when someone contacts me ( of course i haven't had that many dates from the dating sites for my male self ...LOL)
    to not be who we are would belike trying to suffocate someone with a bag over their head tied around their neck.
    or telling a musician they are not allowed to play, or practice to create music. as a friend once said " to not play and practice would be like no longer being allowed to breath"

    that's a great dress in the first photo! along with the hair style it almost takes on a modern southern bell look.

  3. Hi Kim,

    So sorry to hear about home. I hope you can work things out. God knows I'm no expert, but perhaps she feels left out of Kim's life. Totally weird, but on one hand we can block things out while wishing we were included on the other. Women! Who knows how our minds work!


  4. Hi Kim
    I think this a bad sign. I think you may have to slow down - I know I had to a few years back , when out of the blue my wife told me the same thing.

  5. I kinda feel that this is more common than we would like to think. I know that my Wife would just as soon not have to deal with Jamie, but she does it quietly. There have been times that she has expressed the same desires that your Wife did. "It's nice to see Jim". I feel that what you said to her was probably the best way to go. I know that we can not but our other side away, for long. For myself, my Wife has never know me "Before Jamie". I had already become comfortable with who I was before we met. I am pretty sure that we would not have married if she had to deal with the "old Jim". ot a very nice guy.

  6. I'm sad to hear that your wife has gotten increasingly disturbed by your feminine presentation while traveling. You have done your best to protect her and your family from problems which could arise on account of prejudices. Yet, this is an issue that touches the core of a person's identity. Your wife may be asking questions of herself, such as: "What and who am I?" If that question is answered by references to the others in her life, it can become complex. For example, she might answer that question with: a woman, a mother, a wife. But, the idea of being a wife may be put under stress by simply being able to think of the image of you dressed pretty - how can I be a wife, when my spouse also looks like a wife? But it may be an increased fear, given you have a young child in the house and live in a relatively conservative area of the country. And this is a very valid fear - people are still being attacked (and killed) because they happen to love someone of the same gender.

    Am I saying to give up flying pretty? No. People like you give me (and others) the confidence to risk embarrassment (or worse)by going out, dressed as pretty as we want. Am I saying to dismiss your wife's feelings? No. Both of you signed up to stay with each other, for better or worse. And this is the one relationship in a person's life that should be entered into carefully, nurtured carefully, and (if really needed, for non-trivial reasons) exited carefully. Having lost a spouse to cancer, I'd gladly put up with the "little stuff" that frustrated me, simply to have her back in my life. So, you have something very important to protect - a relationship with someone who loves you a lot.

    "Where am I going?" you may ask. Well, your wife's frustration is deep seated, and has been there for a while. Is there any reason you can see that she's commenting on flying pretty now? Could it be related to your children? You noted that her side of the family knows everything. So the fear can't be exposure, unless she is getting jabbed by the people who love her, and has decided not to tell you. Somehow, you must open up conversations with her and get to the bottom - how does she really feel? And, what is really triggering those feelings?

    Hopefully, you'll be able to work things out....


  7. Hugs!

    If you need someone to talk to about the wife thing, you have my #.

    As to you're being explosive, you KNOW you're hot, but Explosive? maybe in your leather miniskirt...


  8. Hi

    Wow I am in the position ..I get stares from my wife too

    I have more of everything ( womans clothing ) than she does
    and constantly getting told to not buy any more shoes , wigs etc .


    Melissaa A

  9. ps another thought came to mind perhaps just perhaps partaly due to the economy and all the increased travel for your work she misses having you around since you are away more these days.

    also a comment from a close gg friend applies here. after i came out to her she said, "so what you are STILL the SAME PERSON. being transgendered doesn't make you nice and it doesn't make you mean. you are who you are!"

  10. My apprehensions are not new, but have grown with the level of Kim-ness that has grown. You *have* changed greatly whether you want to admit it or not. When we met and married you were a buff soldier with a liking for pretty things. My unswerving support caused you to add a little more here and a little more there. And then I wake up one day, the slow train became an out of control roller coaster until we are where we are today. You've gradually altered your off time appearance and your mannerisms to a level that gets raised eyebrows behind your back. But I'm the one who suffers because you don't even notice. You used to put me and us first, but these days every decision you make gets run through the, "how do I do this to best benefit Kim" filter before I'm even thought of. You won't even park the truck or mow the grass without thinking of Kim first. I want to cry every time I hear the epilator mowing when you don't have to travel for a week, or when you are frantically looking for a sleeveless tshirt because, heaven forbid, you might get a guy tan on your thin arms. You *are* different as Kim now. You just tell me and yourself that I'm obsessed or hormonal or whatever. But, the truth is, I'm playing second fiddle to a pair of silicon boobs. If they were in another woman, at least I could hunt her down and sock her in the eye.
    It all like a crack addiction that needs a little more each year to find pleasure in life. I am constantly waiting for the day you decide that you want Kim's polyester skirts and black eyeliner more than you want us. I am pretty sure you already do, but have just not decided yet what to do about it. We're in the way of Kim becoming her most awesome, an anchor on your neck.
    Funny, I thought this last week I thought maybe I'd cracked your armor a bit. I guess not.

  11. There is no way for me to win in this. I'm either a witch or lost.

  12. Assuming that the last two posts on this blog are from Matthew's wife, I'd like to say that you can "win" - but not in the way you think. First, you are not a witch, nor have you lost. You are in an awkward situation caused by an ignorant society which prevents many people from expressing themselves in manners that they need....

    Think of a pot of boiling water, a pressure cooker, maybe. If you cover it too tightly, pressure builds up until an explosive escape. However, if there is enough room for steam to escape, it will - and no harm will be done. In this case, Matthew/Kim has to suppress the desire to express the self due to societal convention. As such, that expression has to be hidden and the pressure builds up. My question is: What could be done to relieve that pressure and preserve what you love in your husband? I wish I had that answer for you. Sadly, the two of you will need to find it on your own.

    Just remember - the person you love is still inside that body, no matter how that body is wrapped.


  13. Well, I vented here, so I guess it's only fair that SHE got to vent here!
    And yes, that was from my wife, though oddly enough, she never mentioned having posted it.

  14. Kim -

    Now you have her opening up to you in this forum.... This is a good thing, albeit awkward. She has stated her concerns and they are valid. As much as you can not give up the Kimberly part of your life, you must make sure that the Matthew is also fully there for her as well.

    People like us are both blessed and cursed. To be fully human, we must integrate the many pieces of our lives to a deeper level than many people will ever be called upon to do. Being human is both masculine and feminine. Yet, in our Western society, we draw very sharp lines to separate male from female. Our identities often depend on our natal gender and our expression of gender both being in sync with an exaggerated idea of sex and sexuality imposed on us by outside institutions who only want us to be free IF we follow their extraneous, unneeded rules.

    As I understand it, you live in Texas, in a relatively "liberal" area of the state. Yet, it is Texas - with all the social expectations implied by the state's history and cultures. So your wife will have legitimate worries about what could happen if the Kim part of your life gets out of control - and that assumes complete comfort with the Kim part of your life, which is not there. Part of her definition of self comes from the fact that she is Matthew's wife, a woman who loves her man. If the two of you lived in a different area of the country, her definition of self would have been influenced by the way that area looks at gender issues.

    My recommendation to you would be to be very sensitive to your wife's needs. Taking more care of the little things around the house (that a man is expected to do) would be a good start in showing her that you want to gout of your way to make her happy. This does not mean that Kim leaves the picture. It only means that there is enough of Matthew there to fill your wife's needs....

    Good luck - and please keep us informed on how things go.


  15. Perhaps you encounter some straight line graphs in the scientific side of your professional life but in my experience there are no straight line progressions when dealing with people and their emotions, especially in dealing with woman.

    Between your schedule and the heat of the summer your 'Kim' time may have been decreased. Your desire/vibe to get some 'Kim' time may have been picked up by your wife.

    While I fully understand your position the words that you wife has used in her discussions with you and in her blog comments are similar to words I have heard myself. While you may be comfortable with the time split between Matt and Kim your wife may feel that she and your other family obligations are getting the short end of the stick. Like it or not her feelings are real and need to be considered. She may be feeling like she is losing Matt to Kim.

    There is another potential factor. She has a real fear of 'what would the neighbors think' if they knew about Kim. I suspect that she has already been 'red faced' with some of the people who already know. She may be concerned with how others will perceive her as a woman if her husband has the need to dress up as a woman. I am sure that in your eyes she is the same wonderful woman that you know and love but we are dealing with her feelings.

    Another factor is that men and women face and handle their fears differently. My man side feels that he can crash through walls. If someone sees me in a dress and they do not like it that is their problem. My wife, on the other hand, would be horrified if anyone were to ever see her husband in a dress. While I may have little or no fear leaving the house while dressed, she is totally consumed with the certainty that every neighbor will be looking out their windows at our house the very second I tried to place a high heeled foot out the door. Are her fears real? It depends who you ask...her or me.

    Good luck and keep on keeping on doing what you do. Every time you have a positive encounter with a civilian it is a step forward for all of us.


  16. Kim,
    I empathize with alot of what you've written in this blog posting. As difficult as TG'ing can be for a marriage, it is actually encouraging to hear others going through similar issues with their spouse. By no means am I enjoying hearing of your difficulties, but rather I am learning from them and gaining insight. Even difficult things teach us useful lessons. I have to say, your wifes' words are almost verbatim to what mine says to me. While I may not be sure what this means or how things will pan out(for any of us), I am sure we are not in this alone. Good luck to you and to all of us.

    On a lighter note, I am very motivated and inspired by your femme adventures. From what I've read of your writings, you are very intelligent, introspective and considerate. Your blogs are a good read and great motivator for other "girls within" like me.

  17. Kim -

    You are an interesting person. Sometimes, it's nice seeing you blog about the non-CD part of your life. It shows that you have a life outside of your "Kim" persona. I, for one, enjoy reading about both sides of your life.

    I'm not sure how my wife would have felt about my interest in dressing pretty if she were alive now. A few of my friends know of my cross dressing, and have actively helped me with this. (And they would be more comfortable going out with me to NYC this way, than I would feel at the moment.) Soon, I'll be going "all the way" in a safe town when on vacation. Like your wife, I'm concerned about what would happen if my neighbors knew about this interest of mine. But I'm slowly pushing the envelope - and have your blogged experiences to thank for helping me get up the courage to do this. I know that whoever is next in my life will have to accept this part of me - and I know that I'll need to be discreet for her sake....


    ps: If you're ever back in the Fishkill, NY area again, you're a hop, skip, and a jump from me....

  18. Some crossdressers say "Look at the alternatives: adultery, battery, drinking." Well, you are extremely fortunate. Most crossdressers don't have wives so accepting. Putting your mate's needs ahead of your own is the secret to marital happiness. You have to think like this - she is the most important thing in your life. You have to want her to be happy. You have to compromise and make sacrifices. Overcoming selfishness is the biggest struggle of all.