Goodbye Mother

The only person in the world that thought exactly the way that I do is gone.
My mother, Sharon Huddle, was born 8 February, 1943 to Roy and Marie Huddle in Los Angeles California.



My Mother being held by her mother and father



My Mother being held by her mother and father 

Everyone thinks they have the prettiest Mother in the world but I knew I did. Maybe the word "pretty" is not the most appropriate. My mother was beautiful, with a beautiful soul, and this involves a lot more than mere appearance. Beauty is about the entire person.
She was born with a number of physical problems including spina bifida, that resulted in her spending the majority of her life in a great deal of pain. She spent most of her young life in leg braces designed to twist and force her legs, hips, and bones into a position that would allow her to stand and walk. Most of her early adult life was spent in and out of hospitals with surgery after surgery and years of painful physical therapy. In the same way it takes fire and heat to make glass, diamonds, and porcelain, I have to wonder if it takes pain to create a beautiful soul?


My Mother and Aunt on her first day of school 

My mother was a strong, proud, and brave girl and woman. She told my brother about how other crippled children were driven to keep trying in physical therapy by her example. When others would give in to the pain and exhaustion and quit, seeing this brave little girl struggle on through her pain and tears pushed them on to try harder.

 
My Mother and her family 

One of her favorite stories dealt with the day a doctor told her that she would never be able to walk without crutches. She threw the crutches in his trash can and walked out of his office, and she kept on walking for several decades. She walked long enough and far enough to raise three children and countless grand children.
She grew up in Los Angeles at a time when it still had many beautiful neighborhoods and was considered quite a nice place to live. I remember her asking me to stop playing the song "Maria" from West Side Story on the record player because it made her want to cry thinking about the way the city had gone to the gangs and turned into a place people no longer felt safe and welcome.


My Mother and Grandmother Lenna Welch



My Mother - her first Communion  







Her mother (my grandmother) had a good friend in the movie business and so she was present during the filming of several Western movies in the area of Pioneer Town in the desert of southern California. I believe that this is a picture of her riding Gene Autry's horse during the filming of one of his many movies:


My Mother on Gene Autry's Horse 

Her first marriage ended for all of the typical reasons that marriages end. Out of this marriage came at least two beautiful things – my older sister and brother, Karen and Donald Poindexter.

My Mother holding my big brother and next to my Grandmother and big sister


A few years later my mother remarried, this time to my father. This marriage too came to an end, now leaving my disabled mother with three children to take care of. She was a good mother in that all of her children grew up knowing they were loved and wanted. We did not have a great deal of material things, and there were of course hard times, but there was always love in plenty.


Being in such poor physical shape, and constantly in and out of hospitals, there were many occasions when our extended family would step in to help. We sometimes lived with my Grandmother in a relatively small mobile home. It seemed like we always wound up there when things got bad. This wasn't a bad thing though, because again, there was always love there. In this one trailer park was my Grandmother, my Great Grandmother, and assorted Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. That trailer park WAS our family and childhood.


As with the lives of most human beings, my mother had her fair share of emotional and personal ups and downs throughout her life. As a result of her physical challenges and many years in and out of hospitals, drugs were ever present in her life. She flirted with addiction off and on through the years and had a series of marriages and relationships. All of these relationships ended badly, with each adding another little bit to the load of hurt she already carried.

My Mother holding my niece and her granddaughter 

At the conclusion of one of her marriages, my mother bought a small one room cabin in Pipes Canyon – a picturesque canyon of flat top mountains only a few miles from the very same Pioneer Town where she had so many fond childhood memories.

Pipes Canyon near Yucca Valley 

By this time my sister had been married, had children, and had moved on to a life of her own, and it was now my mother, brother, and I. We went from your typical modern family and home, to a one room cabin, 20 miles from the nearest town. I recall laughing ourselves sick on the drive to our new home when we considered our situation. My petite mother driving a 69 or 70 Ford F150, towing a small travel trailer behind her, with a shot gun and bottle of vodka under the seat, headed to a small cabin in the sticks. We had just become hillbillies!
For all of us, this was a new and exciting adventure. For my mother, it was another turning point in her life. Almost mirroring the spirit and attitude that she had used to get through her physical challenges and obstacles, my mother had decided she would now stand on her own two feet and provide a life for herself and her children. This would be HER home. She did not require a husband or man to provide a home for her, she would do this on her own.
For the first few months living there, we had no running water and no electricity. We bathed by heating water and pouring it into a large tin tub very much in the same way you see the cowboys taking baths in the western movies. My mother cooked all of our meals on a fire pit in the back yard and our only light at night was provided by oil lanterns. For the first week or so we thought this was awesome, but eventually we settled in and it just became a mundane and somewhat harder way to live.
Of course we did get electricity and a wood burning stove eventually and things got a touch easier. It was nothing short of incredible the kind and caliber of meals my mother could prepare using nothing but a microwave, wood burning stove, and electric hot plate. I swear I am not exaggerating – my mother could have been a world famous gourmet cook. She would scour the cook books looking for new ideas that interested her and there was no telling what might be for dinner when we got home from school.
Of course being an adventurous cook does have it's risks – every once in a while there are going to be things that you don't care for. To address this possibility my mothers rules were simple:
· You had to TRY everything
· If you didn't like it, you didn't have to eat it
· If you didn't eat it, you didn't get anything else, so you better be damn sure you didn't like it!
I recall being woke up one stormy night to have a towel shoved in my face, and being told to start mopping water off of the floor. The wind was pushing the rain so hard against the cinder block walls that it was forcing the water right through them. There was water pouring down the inside of the walls, standing water on the floor, and everyone else had been at it for sometime before they woke up the spoiled youngest child to help. It wasn't at all funny at the time, but later we all laughed hysterically when we realized that for the first time in our lives we were living in a house with a roof that didn't leak . . . but the walls did!
One of the up sides to living so far out in the sticks, with no TV and little entertainment, is that it encouraged me to take up two of my mothers passions – reading and music. My own reading turned to Science Fiction which ultimately led to my career in electronics. Since most of the music we had was from my mothers record collection, the music I grew up with was pretty much a generation behind what everyone else was listening to. That's OK though, because the music we grew up with and enjoyed was just one more thing I shared with her.
I know it's hard to believe based on my description of things, but all of us agreed in later years that these early years in the cabin were the happiest and best time of our lives.
Eventually my brother left home to start his own life and family and not too many years later I left home myself and joined the US Army.


My half brother, Grandmother, Myself, and my mother the day I left for the Army 

If I remember correctly, it was 2 September, 1983 – one day before my 18 th birthday when she took me to the bus station. I was feeling scared of course, leaving home for the first time, but I was also feeling so proud and high on myself that I was leaving the desert to go start my own life. As the bus started to pull away, I was surprised to see that my mother had not left as I had thought, but had instead waited. There she stood, looking at the bus, all alone with tears streaming down her face.
Just when it seemed that my mother would spend the rest of her life alone, she finally met the right man – Stuart Hylton.


My Mother and her husband Stuart Hylton 

All of us liked him because he was real, he was honest, and he was fun to be around. Among other things, he was a Vietnam veteran, and while he bore no physical wounds, he carried deep scars in his heart and soul. What we had not realized at that time, was that like so many of his peers and fellow veterans, he had turned to drugs and alcohol long ago and had a serious problem with them. He could very rapidly go from the fun loving guy we all liked, to someone that was frightening to be around. But up or down, good or bad, it was clear early on the he loved my mother, and so eventually they were married. Only someone that has dealt with serious drug addiction can understand the immense amount of effort it took, but early on in their marriage, Stuart pulled himself away from the drugs and the alcohol to keep my mother. That little sentence just can not do justice to the herculean effort that it took and required of him to go clean after so many years of addiction.
He told me just this morning that the turning point for him had been when my mother walked in on him in the act of taking drugs. He told me that he just couldn't shake the look in her bright blue eyes as she walked up and slapped him. That was over 20 years ago, and he hasn't touched drugs since. Very few people succeed at this, but he managed – all to keep my mother in his life.
There is also a bit of serendipity with these two that they only discovered well after they were married. It turns out that they had both been raised only one or two miles from each other in LA.
My mother had been in very poor health for many years before she died. I will not dwell on the details of this as it is not what I wish to recall or impart to you. What I do wish to share is that this man, who had met and married my mother when they were both living lives of pain and loneliness, took care of my mother when others would have run away.


My Mother and her husband Stuart Hylton 

As her health worsened in the last few years, I ended each of my visits with her in a mixture of tears and relief. Tears because with each visit it became clear that there would not be many more visits to come. Relief that I was returning to my own home and could escape the pain of seeing my mothers decline and suffering.
While I was running home to be with my wife and children more than a thousand miles away, my step father stayed by her side.
He loved her.
He cared for her.
He nursed her.
He protected her.
You have to respect that. . .
When it became clear that my mothers life was drawing to a close, the vast majority of my family came to be with her. I have no way to know if she could hear it or not, but I sat with her for hours, playing my guitar for her. I tried to sing for her because I knew she would like that, but I couldn't do it without choking, so I settled for just playing.
Of course her husband was there.
My brother, sister, and I (her children) were there.
Many of her Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren were there.
I am so very deeply impressed with everyone that was there.
My sister and my nieces, all of whom stepped forward to do all of the so very hard little things that have to be done to take care of someone who is dying.
My brother and his daughters who refused to sleep for the last two nights of her life, absolutely determined that if she were to pass, she would not do it alone or with out someone holding her.
The young husbands and boy friends that took care of the mundane things that freed us up to worry about nothing other than my mothers passing. I have a renewed respect for the younger generations. They are not afraid to do the difficult things that need to be done. They stepped up bravely and with honor, compassion, and respect that has awed me.
All of us were crowded around her at the end and I myself was honored to be holding her hand as she took her last breath. She died at home with all of us holding her.
We tried to return the most important gift she had given us - she knew she was loved.
My last contribution to this letter? My wife and I have been married for over 21 years and we share the same wedding anniversary as my mother and step father. The day before my mother died, my wife called me to let me know that we are pregnant! If it's a girl, I hope to convince my wife that Sharon is wonderful name.

Teree, Out in Austin, and Music

So in a rare turn of events, my wife and daughter spent the week and weekend at my sister-in-law's house out of town. As you might expect, I took advantage of the situation to do a few odds and ends and to go out in Austin on Friday and Saturday nights. I recorded a video in boy mode playing what I have so far of a song I'm writing for my daughter. The image is TERRIBLE as I failed to consider the bright lights behind me, but the audio is still good so I went ahead and uploaded it to Youtube. A reminder though, it is not finished so don't get annoyed when it leaves you hanging:

Audrey's Dream


1 st Verse

Bright blue eyes, a lot like mine
Always searching, hoping to find
That fairy tail unicorn that flies

Mermaids swim, and flowers sing
A prince will save you from evil things
All this I see, in Audrey's eyes


Chorus

Magic is alive and well
The fairies play in the wishing well
Where wizards live and the Princess reins supreme

Good guys win, the bad guys fail
The pure of heart can break evil spells
This is the world of Audrey's dreams

That's all I've got so far! I'm thinking about the next verse including something like:
Furry Critters, with tails and wings
Help little girls in their time of need

I'm having visions of the little animals helping Cinderella make her gown! I just need to flesh it out a bit more to work it in.

I redid the video but it will take some time to put it together and replace this poor version. I also recorded a couple of other song ideas I'm working on and will upload them to Youtube in the next few days. If anyone has ideas where to take any of these songs, feel free to share. It doesn't have to be the exact words, it's more important to come up with idea's to be expressed. Once I get the ideas, I can figure out the wording.
People finding my page on Youtube are going to be awful confused as to my gender - welcome to the club! My profile is female, my voice is male, I've got some male video up there and will soon also have a couple of me in female mode . . . with a male voice! That ought to keep 'em guessing!
So after I made all of these videos I just spoke about, I drove down to Austin where I finally got the chance to meet Teree Webster in person. She and I have been chatting online for a year or more, but every attempt we have made to actually meet each other in the past has failed.
I stressed a bit over what to wear as Teree's pictures have always shown her to be a classy dresser. Usually people say much the same about my attire, but my problem was that I wanted to wear a mini skirt but didn't want to make a poor first impression!








So we met at 'Bout Time in Austin on Friday night. Teree is gorgeous – the woman looked like a million bucks! It's funny – I thought she looked incredible but she complained that she didn't think she was passable. With my usual subtlety and brilliance with words, I told her something along the lines of:
"Your Nucking Futs. You look awesome!"


We talked for an hour or two, trading stories and laughing. Eventually we got a little bored with 'Bout Time and I asked Teree if she wanted to risk her life and go to a "straight" club called Graham Central Station a few minutes away where they have something like four different bars/clubs in the same building. She said that since I convinced her that she looked good enough, she would take the risk! Of course she added that if we got assaulted, it would be my fault for convincing her she could get away with it. So as we were walking through the huge and PACKED parking lot, Teree looked at me and said something along the lines of:
"Wow this place is packed. I would be nervous if you hadn't already been here!" I glanced over at her and laughed as we were approaching the door.
"Umm, I think you misunderstood me. I was here a year ago in boy mode. I've never done this before either!" We both just laughed and kept on going! Everyone treated us terrific and we had a great time. We walked around and explored the place a bit, and then settled into the area where they were doing Karaoke. They have a couple of people sort of working the stage trying to get people excited and involved, and it really was a cute show.
See The Video
At one point, a couple of the staff got on stage, with one of them in a VERY campy drag outfit. I choked and almost spit my drink at Teree as we gave each other embarrassed looks. I couldn't help wondering if that was for our benefit or if they would have done that act even if we hadn't been there.


We'd been there a bit over an hour when it struck me that I had a bit of a problem. I had to . . umm .. . well . . go potty? Any one that does not get out in the world cross dressed might not have thought about it, but this is sort of problem. The mens room is out of the question for at least half a dozen reasons, with the highest on the list being my desire to get through the night with out bleeding. Using the ladies room presents it's own risks. What if someone "reads" me and gets pissed off about it? This is a straight place and it's packed, mostly with country boy redneck types. I can't help wondering if I'm risking my life, but I headed for the ladies room. I was relieved to see it was not full and there was no line and so I got in and out, and none the worse for wear.
Not too long after I got back from the bathroom, I see this very pretty lady lean over and tell Teree that she looked great! Having a woman tell you that you look great is about the ultimate compliment for us, and yes, especially so if that woman happens to be gorgeous! I asked if I might take her pic for my blog, and she agreed and posed with Teree:

I went up to the sign up sheet for singing probably half a dozen times but kept chickening out. Yes, I do karaoke a lot, but NOT in straight clubs where there might be people I know in the crowd! At last I got up the courage and put my name on the list. It was right about then that Teree told me it was 1AM! Considering that I had to be up the next morning to get my face burnt . . . err . . I mean my laser treatment to kill my facial hair, I decided to call it quits and left before I got the chance to sing. Probably just as well!


The next day (Saturday) I had my laser treatment. This is a good news / bad news thing. Yes, it's killing that damn beard, but wow it hurts. It hurts AND it makes my face swell up and get lumpy. For a while, the swelling was so bad that I was worried I wouldn't be able to go out that night. Eventually the swelling subsided and my face went from feeling like it was on fire to just a bad sunburn. Spent the rest of the day doing the "Mr Mom" thing – lots of house cleaning and laundry. What a glamorous life I live huh?



That evening I got ready at the house and then tried to record a few more songs – this time without the bright light behind me! I have to do some work before I can load those videos to Youtube though because I tried to get clever when I made them. I used my little digital camera to record the video, but it's audio is awful. To get around that problem, I used my digital recording studio to record the audio. So to combine the two I have to do a lot of work. I have to:

Get the video off my camera and into my PC
Convert the video to a format that my Microsoft movie maker recognizes.
Burn the audio to a disk to get it out of my studio (it's a little older and that's the only way to get the data off it).
Rip the audio disk into my PC
Combine and synchronize the audio and video in MS Windows Movie Maker.

Like I said, lots of work to do before I can upload them.
Went out again to 'Bout Time where I again talked with Teree, met some old friends, and some new ones. I have no idea who picks the music they play, but I thought it sucked. I bribed the DJ with a tip to play an ABBA song "Knowing me, knowing you". Yes I know it's cliché for a cross dresser to like ABBA, but I've always loved them. Once my song played, they went back to playing stuff I hated so I went out to the car, grabbed my guitar, and took it out to the porch area where all the smokers hang out. Played guitar for about an hour and a half and sort of enjoyed myself. Had a few folks that sang along and several more just listened. I stayed out way too late considering that I hadn't got much sleep the night before and so had a lot of trouble staying awake for the drive home.
I really enjoyed meeting and talking with Teree and suspect and hope she and I will be good friends.

Ottawa and Quebec Canada

So this weeks trip was to Ottawa / Quebec Canada. (My customer was in Ottawa and my hotel was in Quebec). I'm really not fond of international trips as customs, immigration, getting local currency, etc are such a pain. I did not fly femme as I didn't want to add any more hassle to the trip then I had to. Had a long day getting there and arrived at my hotel at around 7PM and decided I wasn't going to do anything that night. My last name (my REAL last name, not Huddle) is of French origin so as soon as people in Quebec saw my last name everyone tried to speak French to me! I felt like an idiot, but I played hell finding the parking garage for the hotel. I drove by it three or four times until I saw another car approach what I thought was a warehouse door just to see it automatically open exposing the parking garage inside. Hmmm . . . one more thing learned about city life.
The view from my room was very pretty so I took a few pics:

 

Work went well my first day there and I was back at the hotel and getting dressed at 6PM. I decided to try my new wig and spent over an hour trying to make it look presentable. I like it but it sure does take a lot more effort to make it presentable after pulling it out of luggage than my short wig did. I'm hoping that maybe that is something that gets better as I get more practice working with it.

 Just my luck that they decided to have a snow storm while I was there. Made for kind of miserable driving but it sure was pretty to watch. There were a few TG friendly clubs I had found online, but I decided that given the predicted weather, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to go too far or stay out too late, so I settled for the Casino that was about 2 miles away. As I was leaving the hotel and entering it's parking garage, I saw a man coming in struggling to open the double doors and deal with his baggage, so I held one set of doors open for him and waited. Instead, he took one look at me, smiled and dropped his bags, and held the door open for me! He spoke French so all I got was "no, no, no, (lots of words I didn't understand) mademoiselle" I felt kind of guilty but thanked him and walked on to my car! The snow started to fall very heavily on my way to the Casino so I tried to take a couple of pics.

 

Nothing terribly interesting happened at the Casino, which I suppose is good. No one gave me any dirty looks or anything like that. I lost my $40 dollars quite rapidly and headed back to the hotel. I stood at the entrance to the hotel restaurant for about 5 minutes waiting to be seated. This had nothing to do with my being dressed as they had done the same thing to me the night before when I was in drab.

 So there I stand waiting to be seated when a gentleman that is seated and eating his dinner notes how long I've been waiting. He stands up and calls angrily to a waiter in a different part of the room. Like the man who had held the door for me, this man also speaks in French so I don't understood him, but his tone is angry as he points at me and I again catch the word "mademoiselle". Considering this is really quite a nice restaurant and hotel, he must have been pretty angry to yell across it. I gave him my very best smile and thanked him. Wow, that's twice on this trip that I have been treated so well. This is very welcome as my confidence has been faltering a bit the last few weeks, so it was kind of nice to get some positive reinforcement. After being berated by the other patron, the host practically ran to speak with me. The bad news is that it was 5 minutes to 10PM and that is when they stop serving. I guess I could have made a fuss, but figured that I could stand to miss a meal or two.


My next (and last) day there everything also went well for my work. A very nostalgic day for me as they are setting up a new service center there just like the one I built in Austin a decade ago for my company. Brought back many fond, and not so fond, memories! Succeeded in repairing the instruments I was there to work on very early and spent most of the rest of the afternoon giving some improvised training to one of their engineers. Once their manager realized that I had built and managed a service center for years that was just like what they were trying to get off the ground, they wouldn't let me out the door until they had picked my mind clean for hours!
 

Eventually I DO get free and so return to the hotel and get cleaned up. By the time I'm ready, it's 7PM and I have to be up at 2:45 AM to get to the airport in time for getting through customs and all that garbage, so I again decided to leave the clubs alone and just go to the Casino that is so close by. At first I was gong to wear these boots out. Ultimately I decided that I didn't feel pretty in them and so they stayed home and my Mary Janes went with me.

 

















Again nothing of any note to mention on my trip to the Casino. I once again lost my $40 quickly and efficiently and returned to the hotel. This time I got there a bit earlier and WAS seated and served in the restaurant!
Still looking for a way to add a little variety to my pictures. I kind of like these:
 

Oh, you know what? I think I'm gonna have to learn how to speak French. It sounds so beautiful, especially when coming from a pretty woman.

Denver

This week was a trip to Denver Colorado. Denver is a nice place, fairly clean air, lots of green, and some hills and mountains (things I miss living in Austin).
Once again I decided to push my luck and fly femme. I recently found a skirt that is a perfect match for a light green top I’ve had for a while so I decided to give the new outfit a whirl.

I had just finished taking my obligatory “this is what I looked like before a day of travel destroyed me” pictures and was putting my camera away and getting my bags together when I hear my 19 year old son coming down the stairs. He has known about me for a couple of years now and is 100% cool with it, but I still try not to let him see me “dressed”. I think knowing about is one thing, but having to confront it and observe it is another, so I try to keep it out of his site.
As he comes down the stairs he begins to greet me.
“Hey dad . . . ," and then a distinct pause as he sees me " umm . . .hello!" he says as he cocks his head to the side and gets a shit eating grin all over his face. Good kid, that one . . .



This time I’m flying American Airlines but still no excitement going through check in or security, they all passed me through with out comment. I decided to get a root beer float at the Ice Cream shop they have in the airport. The guy behind the counter has served me a few times and treats me very well each and every time. He is sort of doing his own fashion thing, looking almost Amish with a short beard and low black hat. Clearly he doesn’t exactly follow the fashion trends and rules either. :)
I can’t explain why, but recently I have been kind of lacking in confidence. As I sat in the airport, I just felt like a tired, ugly, old man in a pretty outfit. I don’t like that feeling.
Taking the tram from my arrival gate to my next plane, all of the seats were taken so I had to stand. As I stood there I glanced at a woman that was seated and happened to catch her look at me. As soon as our eyes met you could see it click and her face lit up in the biggest grin you have ever seen. I smiled back at her and returned to minding my own business.
The guy that sat next to me on the flight from DFW to Denver was clearly not amused by my presence. When the flight attendant asked what I would like to drink, this guy rolled his eyes at her like “Oh God, couldn’t have given me another seat?!” Oh well, his problem, not mine.
Got to Denver around 5PM and got my baggage. Sort of stuck my toe out the door to see that it wasn’t TOO cold so I left my heavy coat in my bag. I don’t know if it was the altitude, the stress of trying to stay confident and brave while feeling ugly and un-passable, or what, but almost immediately after getting there I developed a killer headache. I mean the type of headache where every time your heart beats it feels like someone is hitting you with a hammer.
Funny, between the airport and Avis lot things changed dramatically because when I stepped off the shuttle bus in my sleeveless top I almost died of a heart attack. It was freezing and the wind was blowing sleet sideways. Got the car they had assigned me but there was no contract in it, so I had to go to the counter. No one batted an eye as I handed over my license.


Got settled at the hotel and a bit later met up with Michelle and her girl friend for dinner. I didn’t think to ask if it was all right to use her name in my blog so I wont. These were some really nice people and we spent a few hours in interesting conversation. We spoke about how we started cross dressing, how we had progressed, what it means to us, and of course about every day things. It sounds like Michelle has some very interesting things going professionally so I hope good things are in her future. Like a lot of TG’s, Michelle is struggling with reconciling her beliefs with her being TG. Fortunately this is not something I have a problem with. I think in our heart of hearts most of us know the difference between what is “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “evil” and nothing anyone can say to me is going to convince me that cross dressing is evil in Gods eyes.
Her girl friend has recently made major changes in her life, pretty much picking up and moving to Denver and just starting over fresh. She takes the whole TG thing in stride and honestly doesn’t seem to understand why people get so up tight about it. Would that there were more people like her in the world, and I don’t say this just out of a selfish desire to have more people that accept TG’s. As I see it, accepting TG’s so matter of factually tells you a lot about what kind of person they are. She is a very brave and intelligent woman and an interesting person to talk to.
As a traveling engineer, most of my time is spent alone, so it was a pleasure to spend the evening with them. I probably struck them both as being rude though. It had been a very long day for me and my head was killing me, so I called it a night fairly early.
Would you believe that the next day, my headache refused to go away, so all I did was eat dinner drab in the hotel. I had two or three spiced rum and cokes and THAT helped to ease the headache a bit. I was then in bed by 9:30, having done absolutely nothing of interest.
My third day, my headache had died down to a dull roar so after work I decided to get out a bit. Got cleaned up and dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, and almost stepped right into the shower to wash it all off. I just felt tired, old, fat, wrinkled, and ugly. Decided I had spent too much time and effort in getting ready and so I pretty much forced myself out the door to go shopping.


I know it was probably in my head, but from the very first I felt like everyone that saw me knew what I was. I still walked a bit through the mall, but felt like everyone I was passing by was staring at me. Yes, I know this was in my head, but we aren’t talking about logic here are we? After about 20 minutes I just couldn’t stand it and so I fled the mall and returned to the hotel. I decided to stick it out a bit and stayed “dressed” for dinner in the hotel. The restaurant of this Holiday Inn does not see much action, so I was one of two people in it. The same waitress I had the night before waited on me and she made no effort at all to hide her new found distaste of me. The night before she had been talkative but this night she was very abrupt – just short of being rude. One word questions and answers. When I ordered a rum and coke with dinner she asked if I wanted regular or spiced rum making it clear she DID recognize me from the night before. When she stepped out for a while, another lady waited on me for a few minutes and SHE was very friendly and all smiles.
Going through the HUGE TSA security line in the Denver airport (drab), I approached the TSA agent who looked absolutely bored out of his mind. I smiled and made a comment.
“Well don’t you just look terribly excited to be here.” Coming out of his bored haze for a moment, he looked up and focused on me.
“Yeah, so do you!” he returned. It was at this point I noticed his arms were completely free of hair and he was very closely shaven. Couldn’t help wondering if I had just traded words with another TG.
I thought I was going to be lucky enough to have an empty seat next to me on the flight from Denver to Dallas, but just before they closed the doors, this young, tall, and beautiful young lady comes striding down the isle and takes the seat next to me. I noticed that although she was not in any kind of uniform, she was wearing airline credentials around her neck. I struck up a conversation with her and then asked her if she was a flight attendant for American Airlines or another airline. She gave me this dazzling smile that just about melted me and informed me that she was not a flight attendant – she was a pilot! I apologized for demoting her and told her I thought it was awesome she was a pilot. Having a 5 year old daughter, I like the idea that my daughter might be able to achieve such things if she wanted to. On the other hand I considered telling her that male or female, I really preferred to see some grey hair and maturity on the pilot of any plane I was in, but I decided that given all of the prejudice she probably encountered in her career, she might not appreciate the humor.

Making still more progress on my 1967 Mustang

Got the engine and transmission installed.





It took most of the day to get her started due to a faulty coil. It WAS putting out fire, but apparently not quite enough. You know the funny part? I had over 8 gear heads, two of them professional mechanics, all working around my car and guess who figured out it was the coil? Yup, me, the dumb one. We tried to get her started for about 6 hours. Finally everyone went to get lunch and my wife, a friend, and I started talking it through.
We knew the coil wasn't dead because we were getting flames out the carb, but I thought maybe it just wasn't up to snuff. My wife went and got the new coil and I got it installed just as everyone returned from lunch. It started almost immediately and I got to be the hero. :-)

Maybe it's the fact that I myself am getting older, perhaps past my prime, but I feel an immense satisfaction in trying to restore this 40 year old lady. She might be 40, but she has far more class and style than any pip squeak modern car. I want her running down the road and strutting her stuff with pride and maybe even arrogance. With that thought in mind, I had to wipe a tear out of my eye when this 40 year old ladies engine started for the first time in two years.

Southern Comfort Conference

Holy smokes! Writing this blog is intimidating more than any other I have written. The last few days were simply overwhelming in both, the quality and quantity, of the events that took place. I met SO many truly unique and wonderful people. I’ve got to tell you, you have never seen anything like having close to 1500 transgender people in the same place at once – it was simply incredible.


Due to my work schedule and finances I just couldn’t take the entire week off and so had to settle for only spending Friday and Saturday at the event. This is a mistake I will NOT make again should I get the chance to attend another SCC. If there is a next time, I will damn well be there for the entire event!

Friday started off the same as most days where I intend to travel femme. After my wife and daughter left for work/school, yours truly started running like hell to get ready and get to the airport. So help me, I have no idea what I did differently that Friday morning, but I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and later at the photo’s I tool that morning before I left. I don’t think I had ever looked better and so I was very pleased as I headed for the airport


I’ve got to tell you, it drove me nuts not having my laptop and toolbox with me. Alarms were going off in my head all day long that I was forgetting something because I didn’t have these things that I normally travel with. Got to the airport and checked in with the Delta counter. Even though he had seen me there countless times before, the gentleman that checked me in was clearly set back a step when he looked at my ID, but he recovered quickly and sent me on my merry way.

Got the TSA check point and then things got interesting.


“Ma’am?” she calls out to me while waving me forward “Next in line please”

I stepped forward and handed her my ID and ticket. I swear I’m not kidding, the young lady looked confused for a second or two.

“I’m sorry, I need your ID,” she says.

“Ummm . . That is my ID.” I assured her, giving her my best ‘I’m just a friendly neighborhood crossdresser, and not a psychopathic, axe murdering terrorist’ smile. Suddenly she had this honestly shocked look on her face! She had honestly had NO idea I was male when I handed her my ID.

“Will you wait here a moment please?” she asks, with just a hint of panic in her voice.

“Sure,” I told her, starting to feel just a touch of panic my damn self. That would be just about right – I’ve flown dozens of times with out a single hassle, and now that I’m on the way to the worlds largest TG/Cross dressing event, I’m going to refused travel! Shortly, the young lady and another TSA representative return and pull me off to the side.

“Do you have another form of ID we can see just to verify this is you?” he asks very respectfully, the height of professionalism.

“Sure,” I told him as I pull out a credit card that also has my pic on it. “I’m kind of surprised you ask though, because y’all have never had a problem with my flying before.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” he says while comparing my ID, credit card, and face. “It’s our job to be careful and we just want to be sure you are who you say you are. Have a nice flight!” he says and hands my documents back to me.


I had a conversation with someone at SCC who told me I was fearless. I told her she was crazy, that I was often scared to death but just kept plowing on anyway, and she suggested that I should consider sharing that in my blogs as well. With that thought in mind, here is what you may not realize from my description of the above events with the TSA. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was scared to death, as soon as things left the by now familiar routine, I became very nervous and anxious. By the time I got through the X-ray machine I was pretty well drenched in perspiration and not at all pleased with events.


I got the Atlanta airport with no further excitement (just the way I like it) and then proceeded to walk around in circles, utterly lost. For all of the hundreds of times I’ve flown through the Atlanta airport, this was the first time I’d ever actually had it as my destination. I couldn’t find a sign anywhere and I absolutely could not find the rental car shuttles, even after asking people where they were. After walking around in circles for about 20 minutes, I was walking by a young man who was sitting down, clearly taking a break.


“You look lost,” he said. “What are you looking for?” He proceeded to give me clear directions and I easily found them. I mention it just because I thought it was neat that he was friendly and willing to go out of his way to help a cross dresser.


I got a good laugh at the Avis lot when I pulled up to the exit guard, rolled the window down, and handed her my ID.

“And how are you today ma’am?” she asks as she looks at my ID. “I mean sir. . . I mean what ever you want to be!” We both busted out laughing and I told that it was no problem, she was welcome to call me what ever she was comfortable with as long as it was polite and “G” rated.

Approaching Atlanta

Headed down the highway and suddenly the Village People “YMCA” comes on the radio. I thought that was kind of prophetic. At last I got to the SCC at the Crowne Plaza and that’s where Kimberly’s trip through the looking glass started.


When I entered the lobby I was stunned to see literally dozens of us standing and walking about. Some were gorgeous, some were . . . umm . . .different . . .

I recall seeing one person wearing a school girl uniform with a top that was WAY too small, exposing her entire and very ample and hair covered beer belly. Not a little bit of the hairy belly, or a hint of it, the outfit appeared to be designed to show the entire beer belly. Brrrrrrrrrr. . . .


Anyway, I walk past a LOT of people to the reception desk where I present my credit card, platinum Priority Club card, and ID. It’s one of the few times I’ve done this where I saw NO surprise on their faces, because of course by now this staff was VERY experienced with cross dressers arriving! How weird to not be “the” crossdresser and the Lone Ranger – here I was but one of hundreds.


Got my room key, grabbed my bag . . . and almost trip over Marissa (MJ) – one of my very favorite people from Crossdressers.com! We laughed and hugged, and when she told me she had lost track of the person she had arrived with, I invited her to come get comfortable and wait in my room. By this time, it’s only an hour or so until dinner, and due to my nerve wracking experience with the TSA, and an afternoon traveling, I now smell like a goat. That’s all right though, because I had gone way over board and packed at least six outfits for the two days!

Suzy, Marissa, and I

I got washed up, changed, and then gave Suzy Harrison a call. Suzy is one of the neatest people I know. She lives in Australia, has a great sense of humor, and tries not to take herself or life too seriously. We have almost identical lives and so have much in common. She has been married over 30 years. In a week I will have been married for 21 years. We both have children, we both are Field Service Engineers that travel a lot. Meeting Suzy in person is the reason I went to the SCC. I get out a lot, so I don’t need a very expensive excuse and event to get the chance to dress up, but the chance the meet Suzy was irresistible to me.


Meeting her in person was every bit as much fun as trading insults . . . err . . . I mean showing our mutual respect for each other on the internet. I swear, just sitting here writing this, I’m getting teary eyed, because it sucks that she lives so far away that we won’t be able to see each other.


So many things happened, and I met so many people, I can’t possibly describe or name them all. I met dozens of people I have traded emails with over they years from all across the country. I had several dozen more that I have never met come up to tell me how much they enjoyed my blogs (crazy nutters! LOL) I met about half a dozen that I had already met on my trips across the country. By far, I enjoyed the company of those from crossdressers.com the most. They were fun, enjoyed laughter, and were just comfortable people to be around.


Suzy helped me pick out new hair while I was there. I’ve been wanting a longer wig for a while now, and decided to go for it. The bad news is my wife will kill me if she gets wind of what it cost me, so y’all don’t tell her OK? (OK, this is a sneaky test to see if she ever reads my posts/blogs)


Went to dinner where we had a table or two set aside for all the gals from Crossdressers.com. Again, so many people and names that I can’t possibly keep them all straight, but there were a few that really stuck out for me.


Suzy I’ve already mentioned.




Marissa (MJ) AKA “Daddy Mom” - MJ was the quiet and thoughtful one of the bunch. With all of us loud mouths around, she was the one who brought a touch of peace and serenity.



Joann – wow this woman is gorgeous and also blessed to be petite. Much like Suzy and I, Joann travels and gets out a lot, and is clearly very comfortable with herself.



Tammi - Tammi is a lot of fun to talk to. Her eyes sparkle all of the time and she clearly enjoys life. I spent the wee hours of the morning on my last day there chatting with her until the lack of sleep, and my drinking to damn much caught up with me around 2 or 3 AM.



Tracy Schapes - Tracy, much like the other ladies I’ve mentioned, is just an awesome person. One look in her eyes and you know your dealing with good and kind person. She was SOO cute too (I’ll describe that in just a bit)



Deja True - About a month ago I started talking with Deja on the internet, but I really didn’t have much of a picture of what she was like yet. Deja is her own woman. When every one else flocked to do this or that, déjà went her own way. You were free to join her, or not, as you please, but she wasn’t gonna follow any crowd.



Dita - Oh my God Dita was a hoot! When she and Suzy got together, it was like a feedback loop, where the humor and sarcasm just ran out of control.



Georgia Girl - The young one of the bunch, and I believe the only one with the courage (and ability) to sport her own hair. I've got a hunch we will be seeing a lot more of her out and about soon!



Kris Haley - I’ve traded emails with Kris for around a year as she lives in Peoria IL, a city I visit fairly often. Funny thing, all of our attempts to meet up in her home town failed – we had to both go hundreds of miles from home to finally meet!



Michelle Madison - I have met Michelle several times before on my trips to the Boston area but this is the first time I think we ever really got the chance to actually talk to each other!



Jose - Jose is one of those neat people that have gone out of their way for me in the last few years by trying to help me find interesting and nice people and places to visit when I travel. A fine lady.



I could go on and on, but if I try to mention every single person I met, I will never get this finished!



Enjoyed a good dinner with outstanding company and just had a ball laughing and talking with the ladies at our table.

Myself, Suzy, Joann

Joann, ??, Tracy

Marissa, Deja, Suzy, Tracy

Oh, and when I say I “enjoyed” dinner, I meant it. I’ve been dieting for the last month trying to make damn sure I fit in the gown I bought, so here was my chance to actually eat for the first time in a month with out guilt. Darned if I can recall their name, but there was a really cute couple that performed for us and they were outstanding! I took a short video to give you some idea.

The guy was a transman and the lady was the cutest little lady you have ever seen or heard. She was a doll and was wearing this cute little dress that I’d wager most of us wanted.

After dinner, everyone change yet again! The after dinner thing was supposed to be some sort of Fetish dance. I don’t own anything even remotely “fetish” in style and so Suzy offered to let me wear a PVC skirt she had brought. I thought about, even went so far as to take a look at it, but just couldn’t bring myself to go there. Instead, I went for one of my favorite short skirt outfits.

I’ll bet some of you have realized by now that I can be sort of OCD but some things. When I saw Tracy Shape, in her adorable outfit, I was instantly hooked on her. Every time I saw her I just wanted to run up and give her hug and tell her how cute she was. I think I actually did this once or twice (all right maybe half a dozen times), but I managed to not do it as often as the urge struck me. Come on, take a look at her and tell me she is not just about the most adorable thing you have ever seen?

Leaving for the Club

Suzy looking hot in her PVC dress !

Enjoyed the SCC activity for a while then headed out on the bus for a local drag club called Le Buzz I think it was. The staff really went way out of their way to be great hosts and I give them a 10 out of 10 for that. The only problem for me is that I don’t enjoy drag shows, shoulder to shoulder crowds, and smoke filled rooms. Neither does Suzy so we headed to the outside bar just to find Deja already sitting there. She had this attitude like “Yeah, not my scene and it’s about time you two came to your senses and came out here”. We hung out and talked for a while, then headed back to the hotel and bed at about 2AM.


The alarm went off at 7AM . . . then 7:10AM . . . then 7:20AM . . . then I convinced myself to get outta bed at 7:30AM. Got dressed in one of my favorite outfits headed down stairs to meet the day.

I went to a couple of the seminars, met and talked with Jose, and then hooked up with Suzy who made me cry. She told me that she wouldn’t be out in the world if it hadn’t been for her reading my stupid stories. I told her she was being silly because she was one of the bravest people I knew, but she just kept yapping until we were both wiping tears out of our eyes. Stupid Australians anyway . . .

Ultimately I told her it was all Karen Hutton’s fault, because if it hadn’t been for reading her stories, I wouldn’t be out and about!


At last, it came time to get ready for the formal dinner! My first chance to wear a formal dress outside of a locked room. Make it or break it time for all the effort I devoted to finding a gown and making sure I’d fit in the darn thing. Showered, put my makeup on, and then reached for THE gown! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get into a long, tight, black, crosses behind your back, gown without getting makeup on it?!?! I was VERY careful because I knew I would cry for hours if I smeared makeup down the outside of my gown. Got it on at last and then put on my new wig – and almost cried anyway. You can’t imagine the relief and joy I felt when I looked in the mirror and saw that it had all come together to be even better than I had hoped and dreamed.

I absolutely couldn’t be happier with the way it all turned out. Took a few pics before I headed downstairs to the lady I had bought my wig from. When I bought it, she had agreed to touch it up for me before the formal. In about 30 seconds she had it looking fantastic where my 30 minutes of effort had failed.

Just before dinner, they had a gorgeous Tgirl playing a grand piano. She was just awesome and had the most riveting eyes I have ever seen. Dark hair and piercing bright blue eyes that I’d swear were brighter than lasers. A lot of us from Crossdressers.com got together for a group photo, that turned into a dozen group photos, that turned into a hundred group photos.

Everyone kept handing camera’s up, because of course we all wanted our own pictures. After about 10 minutes of taking the same picture over and over, I realized I was so far behind so many people, that I couldn’t even see the person taking the picture anymore. I decided to be funny and pulled a chair over to stand on it. You should have seen the look on Tracy’s face when she realized she had to look UP at someone! Well, it amused me at the time, but the more I think about it while looking back on it, the more I figure I was probably making an ass outta myself.

Got to the dinner and waited for Suzy . . . and waited . . . and waited. . . About 10 minutes after the dinner started I gave up and called her room. She answered with a note of panic clearly in her voice.

“What the hell are you doing still up there?” I asked her.

“I need help!” she replied.

“Well I’ll be right there then!” I hung up and told everyone I’d be right back. Dita asked if everything I was OK, and so I told her Suzy wanted a hand getting ready. Dita immediately sprang into action and we sprinted for the elevator just like Charlie’s Angles! All, maybe we didn’t run!

Got to Suzy’s room to find that she was having a “wardrobe malfunction”. Dita grabbed a box of pins and went to work while I stood behind the two talking trash and trying to look important and act like I was in charge. I can’t recall much of the conversation, just that sarcasm was the main theme and we spent the entire time laughing. By the time she was done, Dita had Suzy’s gown looking better than the designer had intended and we headed back down to dinner.

Enjoyed another fine dinner and then stepped out to wait for them to set up the room for the hard rock band that was going to play. We all stuck around for a song or two, then about half a dozen of us decided that while they were very good, the music just wasn’t our cup of tea.

Marissa doing her Angel Impression

Someone talked to the hotel folks and found that there was a latin club not far from us that had live music, so we all changed in to something less conspicuous and headed out. Nah – like hell we did! This was the first time I’d ever had an excuse to wear a gown, and I told everyone that there was no way in hell they were gonna drag me out of it!

We arranged for a courtesy van to take us to the club and off we went! OMG – you should have seen the looks we got when we arrived. Half a dozen crossdresesrs, some of us still in gowns – it was priceless.

 

The band was just incredible! I’ve never heard a live latin band before and was very much impressed. I took a few pics of the room and band and also a short video.

I honestly don’t recall who approached who first, but ultimately several of us were chatting up a table of absolutely drop dead gorgeous GG’s. I am still kicking myself that I didn’t get a pic of them! At one point they were playing truth or dare, and so we had this beautiful woman come up and tell us she had been dared to come pinch one of our “breasts”. As you can imagine, she didn’t get any arguments from anyone at our table!

Joann was so brave – she jumped right out on the dance floor and got busy!

Eventually the shuttle bus returned to claim us and we headed back to the hotel. It was at this point I realized that it is not wise to stuff a large Blackberry, camera, glasses, makeup compact, cash, and credit cards into a tiny purse that does not zip or snap closed. I realized this when I closed the door to the van . . . and heard everything in my cute little purse hit the very dark floor of the van. Got to MJ’s hotel and held everyone up while I tried to round up my belongings. Everyone said good night to MJ and then we headed to our hotel . . . where my cute little purse once again dumped all of my belongings. Said my good byes to just about everyone but just hated for the night to end, so Tammi and I sat downstairs chatting for a while. When we called it a night at around 2 or 3 I think, I realized I had probably had too much to drink. I realized this when I discovered that my 4 inch stilettos were not as easy to walk in as I had thought they were! When the alarm went off at 7AM and I had to get up to go to the airport I was no longer thinking I had drank too much the night before, I knew it for sure! The throbbing headache was clear and unambiguous evidence that I had gone too far. Ouch . . .


I just can’t stress it enough – this was a AWESOME and magical experience and I just can’t wait to do it again!